Dominatrix Says Sexual Consent Is Never A Grey Area, No Matter How Rough

Mistress Tokyo says there is no defence when it comes to violating consent. Image: Roberto Duran Penthouse

Australian dominatrix Mistress Tokyo is used to being in control, and sometimes things get a little rough, but she says that is no defence when it comes to consent as research shows unwanted sexual violence is on the rise.

Her stern warning comes as the world waits to hear the fate of Grace Millane’s killer, who argued her death was a result of sex gone wrong between the pair at his apartment.
Millane, 21, was killed by her Tinder date while she was backpacking in New Zealand.
The 27-year-old man, whose name has been suppressed by Kiwi courts, was found guilty of murdering Millane following a high court trial.
This is despite the defence arguing that Millane had died during consensual rough sex and that she had asked him to choke her.
The court heard her killer spent up to ten minutes strangling her and he took 'trophy' photos of her body. According to the prosecution, after Millane died, her killer Googled 'hottest fire' and then looked at several pornography sites.
The case prompted NZ prime minister Jacinda Ardern to apologise to Millane's family on behalf of the country.
"Your daughter should have been safe here, and she wasn't, and I'm sorry for that," she said in her tearful response.
Sadly, as the details of the crimes against Millane came to light, research shows unwanted slapping, choking, gagging and spitting during sex is on the rise.

More than one-third of U.K women (Millane's home country) under the age of 40 claimed that they had experienced one or more of the above acts without giving consent, according to research first reported by BBC Radio.
Twenty per cent of those women said they had been left upset or frightened by one or more of these acts, regardless of whether they had initially wanted to try it or not.
In NSW the law prevents a victim's sexual history and reputation from being used to argue that they consented to a sex act that is subject to a criminal case.
New Zealand doesn't have the same stance. While Millane's killer was eventually found guilty and is awaiting his sentence, during the trial, her ex-boyfriend was asked to detail their sexual past. He claimed they had experimented with choking using safe words.

Tabloids covering the trial then zoned in on Millane's past sex life and it was widely reported that she had visited BDSM websites.
Australian lawyer Jasmina Ceic said a person's sexual history or preferences should not be relevant to whether or not they consent to have sex with a particular person.
"The court doesn't want you to reason that because the person liked BDSM they were consenting to the sexual act," Ceic said.

'Do Consent Really Hard'

Mistress Tokyo has been a dominatrix and BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, Masochism) practitioner for more than 20 years. She describes herself as a "highly fetishistic bondage top".

While the popular movie and book series Fifty Shades of Grey thrust BDSM into the mainstream, she felt strongly that when it comes to consent it is never 'grey'.

Mistress Tokyo says consent is the most important part of her job. Image: Mistresstokyo.com/soulfocusstudio

"Silence does not breed consent. No one should ever have their agency taken away under the auspices of someone else's ego," Mistress Tokyo told 10 daily.
If we're going to do consent we're going to do it really hard. So using safe words and encouraging the person to step fully into consent.

Another Sydney-based dominatrix is Mistress Lucilla, who refers to herself on the job as "unapologetically cruel", but she draws a firm line at consent.

The services listed on her website include "spanking, flogging, caning [and] slave training". But before any of that happens, she makes sure her clients fully consent to whatever they do behind closed doors.

Mistress Tokyo says consent is never a grey area. Image: Roberto Duran Penthouse

Mistress Lucilla said she makes sure her clients are willing participants in 'play' and stresses it must be 'safe, sane and consensual'. Her clients discuss their medical histories, past trauma, injuries and medication and alcohol that's been consumed before anything happens.

"I'm very strict about getting consent and clarity about what's going to happen during the session. If the client is unsure about what they want, I send them away to reflect on it," she said.

Australian law holds firm that a person cannot consent to serious bodily harm where there is a risk of death or significant physical impairment.
Mistress Lucilla claimed she has had to turn away clients who make 'extreme' requests -- such as asking for their genitals to be removed.

The dominatrix says she operates under strict consent. Image: Supplied/ Tim Bradshaw

The New Normal - But Should It Be?
In 2017, a survey of 1,000 people found almost 60 per cent believed stopping unwanted sex was the woman's responsibility, Patty Kinnersly, CEO of domestic violence prevention group Our Watch said.
The research echoed concerns from law and criminology experts that consent is not well understood as acts of sexual violence become normalised in the bedroom.
"There is a degree of increased acceptance when it comes to aggressive sexual relationships," Professor of Criminology Gail Mason said.

In shows like Game of Thrones, sexual violence is normalised and women are often portrayed as objects of sexual pleasure or as performing a service.

The NSW Law Reform Commission has published a series of draft proposals in an attempt to strengthen the definitions of sexual consent.
One proposal aims to ensure that a person does not consent to sex if they do not "say or do anything" -- following Victoria's lead on the issue.

NSW is seeking to strengthen consent laws. If a person consents to one sexual activity it doesn't mean there is consent to other activities. Image: Getty

https://10daily.com.au/news/crime/a191203rbpyc/dominatrix-says-sexual-consent-is-never-a-grey-area-no-matter-how-rough-20191213

7 Things You Should Know About Figging

Figging, aka the act of sticking ginger root up your vagina or anus. Yes.

While generally it's a bad idea to stick any food products up your vagina or anus, there is one version that has stuck around for centuries, thanks to the purposely painful sensation it causes. Meet figging, aka the act of sticking a skinned piece of ginger root up your anus or vagina for the burning sensation it causes. The feeling figging causes has become popularized thanks to BDSM, where it's categorized as "sensation play."

Whether you're just curious about figging or looking to try it out solo or with a partner, here are some tips you should def brush up on before you hit up your local Whole Foods.

1. You might've heard of it because of "50 Shades"
Thanks to a reference in E.L. James' Grey spin-off book, figging is having a moment again.

2. It has roots (sorry) in Ancient Greece.
Figging is believed to have been used as a punishment for slave women, adulterous men, and animals among the Ancient Greeks and Romans. While some accounts mention ginger or radish, others refer to the act as "gingering" using a piece of skinned garlic. Confusing right?

3. If you have a food ginger allergy, this is not the activity for you.
If you have an allergic reaction when eating ginger, stay away from it for recreational purposes too. Ginger can irritate some people's skin, says Carol Queen, PhD, and staff sexologist at Good Vibrations. And a rash is not considered safe BDSM.

4. You need to skin the ginger root.
Herein is the potential for any trouble. Any dirty portion of unskinned root getting inside of you could lead to bladder or vaginal infections, notes Michael Ingber, MD, a board-certified urologist and female pelvic pain doctor.
It's also a plus if you can make it as smooth as possible. "If someone is going to fig, make sure the inserted part is smooth," adds Queen. You don't wanna stick an accidental shank up your body and scrape or cut yourself.

And if you're doing butt stuff with figging, carve out an anchor or some sort of handle so it doesn't get sucked up into your bum.
5. It's not for beginners.

"People respond to the ginger sensation differently, and as with every other genital sensation exploration, it will be hard to stop the sensation if you decide you don't like it or it's too much," explains Queen. You can't safe-word out of it, she adds, so def keep that in mind.

6. It can be a solo or partnered activity.
Partnered figging often involves a top-bottom dynamic, according to Queen. On the other hand, a solo sesh with figging would focus on just your sensation and the way it enhances your erotic pleasure. It's usually a good idea to try most BDSM things solo first so you can get a sense of things, and that rings true with figging.

7. Set aside some time for it.
"It'll take a few minutes for the sensation to max out, and then it will take a while for the intensity to subside," says Queen. Generally speaking, "it takes about a half hour for the sensation to go from wild to mild," she adds, so try to keep your figging play within that time-frame.

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a30221922/figging-ginger-bdsm-kink/

How BDSM Contracts Work (And Why Even Non-Kinksters Should Give Them A Try!)

Different people have different sexual triggers and desires, so how do we work to bridge that gap within any given relationship? How can people have sex that’s hot, intimate and satisfying for everyone involved?

The answer came to me just recently, and it's this: negotiation.

My Desires, Your Desires
Kink negotiation is all about making sure that everyone feels heard, safe and satisfied before, during and after a scene.
But good negotiation begins with one thing: knowing your own desires well enough to share them with others ... which is easier said than done.
Cultural shame around sexuality is a big reason why so many of us have problems not only speaking about our desires but also grasping them in the first place.
If the very thought of something arousing sends you into a spiral of shame and embarrassment, that’s where you need to start. Overcoming a lifetime of internalized sexual shame can be difficult, but it’s an endeavor that’s worthy of your time and commitment.

Now, assuming that you are not ashamed of your desires and that you can talk about them, you’ve got the first thing you need for negotiating with partners and lovers.
The next thing you need is good listening skills. It’s not enough to be able to express your desires — you also must listen to others’ desires without judgment.

We have a saying in the kink community: YKINMY (short for Your Kink Is Not My Kink).

That’s the attitude that kinky people have around things that don’t turn them on. We accept others’ kinks even if they are different from our own, and even if they are 'squicky' for us. If we come to the kink community for non-judgmental acceptance of who we are among same-minded people, then it’s only fair that we extend this non-judgmental attitude towards others.
My own kink negotiation skills have made me more ready to accept that most men in my life may be turned on by things other than what turns me on. I now find myself less annoyed by the fact that they like a revealing piece of clothing where I would prefer a dirty story. I satisfy them ... and they satisfy me in return!

Also, being around things that squick me at parties and being able to observe them without judgment has made me more aware of the wide variety of desires that exist, and that my own desires are just a tiny part of them. They’re not “more natural” or “better” or whatever. They’re just mine. And thankfully, I can find people to share and satisfy them with.
So, by openly sharing your desires with potential partners, you can determine whether your desires align.

It’s okay if they don’t — at least you talked about it and you know, and now neither of you will waste your time on activities that will be disappointing to both of you.

Kinky Negotiating Skills
Negotiation is a skill that is so essential to the kink and BDSM lifestyle that we have workshops about it, books about it, blog posts about it, articles about it and more. The art of kink negotiation and the creation of BDSM relationship contracts is what often makes the difference between a popular player and someone who’s always left behind at parties, whether they’re a top or a bottom.

Kinksters have long known that engaging in thorough contract negotiation helps them achieve several things: getting to know a partner, ensuring that everyone is heard, and planning a fun, satisfying scene for everyone involved. Negotiation is the basic mode of interaction between players, and it continues on during, and even after, a scene.

So what do kinksters know about bridging desire gaps? A lot, actually.

Say you’re a new-ish bottom who wants to experiment with whips for the first time. You’re imagining cracking sounds and burning red welts, a sadistic torturer counting the strikes ... all the things we see in movies and TV shows.

Except, you’re not likely to find a top who’ll do these things for you on your first try, especially not if you’re playing with them for the first time.

Even if the top’s desires also involve fantasies of long torture sessions, raised welts on bare backs, and uncontrollable weeping, it makes no sense to do that until you’re both very experienced — not only with whips but also with each other.

So what happens instead looks like this:

You say: “I want welts.”

They say: “Let’s start slowly and see where it goes.”

Sometimes it’s the opposite: an over-eager top wants to try something a bit extreme with a bottom who expresses a different, milder desire.
Unless your desires differ deeply, either in substance or in style, more often than not you can find a nice middle ground where both top and bottom can have fun.

But I'm Not Kinky!

Whips and chains don’t excite you? That’s fine. You can still learn from the way kinksters negotiate scenes (and larger relationships) to have a better sex life thank yours is currently.

Vanilla people also have limits, as well as desires and needs of their own.

People in monogamous relationships can’t just negotiate once and then assume that things will never change — women’s sexuality, especially, is known to be fluid and changeable over time. So negotiating sex, whether it’s wearing a revealing nightie to flare up a man’s desires or providing a night of sensual massages and emotional intimacy for your girlfriend, is an important skill that everyone should have, whether they like kinky sex or not.

Above all, the first step towards a satisfying sex life has always been, and should continue to be, developing communication and negotiation skills.

Knowing what turns your partner on, expressing what turns you on, and finding a way to make both people happy despite different desires and sexual cues, make for happier sex lives and happier relationships.

http://www.yourtango.com/2017301824/how-bdsm-relationship-contracts-negotiated-and-even-non-kinksters-should-try

Sociologists Reclassify BDSM As “Leisure Activity” In Bid To Remove Stigma

In a bid to remove the stigma surrounding BDSM sexual practice, sociologists are attempting to reclassify it as a “leisure activity” akin to golf. I don’t know about you, but I think I’m playing golf wrong.

The researchers, led by Idaho State University, wanted to build on recent studies that suggested instead of a traditional psychopathologic explanation, BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism) could be understood as a potential leisure activity.

Since this framing of attitudes had not been scientifically or empirically explored yet, the researchers decided this was just what they would set out to do.

“Historically, BDSM has long been understood from a psychopathological perspective,” lead author Dr DJ Williams wrote in a previous study published in the Journal of Positive Sexuality. But as this research showed that many people don’t consider BDSM as a sexual interaction, rather as a means of forming intimate relationships, among other things, this was considered a limited approach.

“In considering the many academic and nonacademic accounts of BDSM, our focus is to suggest that a broad leisure perspective currently offers the best theoretical approach to begin making sense of BDSM,” he wrote.

In the new study, published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, Dr Williams and colleagues surveyed 935 BDSM participants who answered questions about BDSM experiences according to the attributes considered important for leisure activities.

The researchers suggest the results show that BDSM could easily be reclassified as a leisure activity due to the similarities between both like developing personal skills, creating a sense of adventure, and reducing stress.

If it isn't similar to leisure pursuits, why does it include words such as “play” and “games”, they posited.

Of the participants, whose ages ranged from 18 to 78, 90 percent said that BDSM gave them a sense of personal freedom, 99 percent said it gave them pleasure and enjoyment, 90 percent said they used personal skills, 90 percent said it was associated with self-expression, 91 percent said it reduced stress, and 97 percent said it involved positive emotions.

“Our findings show, overwhelmingly, that BDSM fits properties of common leisure experience, similar to people who enjoy golf, swimming and attending cultural events,” Dr Williams said.

The researchers suggested that reclassification was important because if BDSM was understood and recognized as a “legitimate leisure experience with important personal benefits, similar to engaging in skiing, hiking, photography, or painting,” it could remove the stigma associated with so-called sexual deviance.

While we're not entirely sold on the idea of BDSM as a leisure activity akin to, say, your local darts team, we'll always be pro the removal of unnecessary stigmatization. This study at least opens up a conversation, and we'd rather not have to credit Fifty Shades of Gray for that. 

http://www.iflscience.com/editors-blog/sociologists-reclassify-bdsm-as-leisure-activity-in-bid-to-remove-stigma/

There's a Big Benefit to BDSM That Nobody's Talking About

Whips, rope and handcuffs aren't exactly what come to mind when most of us think of a stress-free day. But research indicates that BDSM practice, typically thought to be all about pain, dominance and physical stress, has health advantages beyond sexual satisfaction — including reducing stress.

As The Science of Us recently reported, a 2013 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine suggests that BDSM practitioners may have less anxiety and enjoy more security in their relationships than their vanilla counterparts. Researchers surveyed 902 BDSM practitioners and 434 non-participants, and found that those who enjoyed BDSM-related activities had shared certain psychological characteristics, like being "less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious and less rejection-sensitive" than the control (or vanilla) group. In short, BDSM practitioners' sex lives made them a whole lot less stressed.

What's so relaxing? There's evidence that BDSM practices might affect a person's mental state before and after their scenes. A commonly reported "relaxing" experience for submissive practitioners is that of "subspace," an altered state of consciousness accompanied by feelings of peacefulness and time distortion, comparable to a runner's high. Similarly, dominants reported a "topspace," an endorphin-filled exhilaration accompanied by heightened feelings of control and accomplishment.

A study conducted last year by Northern Illinois University recruited 14 "switches," or regular BDSM practitioners who enjoy both submissive and dominant roles. After participating in a BDSM scene, the subjects were tested for mental acuity and memory function. The results? Subs experienced a significant reduction in their cognitive scores, suggesting a mental dimming or "altered state" that accompanies BDSM play, particularly when blood rushes away from certain areas of the brain.

"Topspace for me is the ultimate stress-buster — I experience it as a strange combination of total tranquility, incredible focus, and a brain rush of power because it's that one place in the real world where I am completely in control," Gloria Brame, a sex therapist specializing in BDSM and author of Sex for Grown-Ups, told Mic.

That foggy, relaxing feeling is likely due to hormonal changes. A 2008 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior took saliva samples from participants engaging in BDSM play to measure their stress levels before, during and after play. Both subs and doms had lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol after scenes than before. The most surprising finding was that even during a particularly physically stressful BDSM scene, subs still reported low psychological stress.

"All of these effects — reductions in stress, increases in intimacy and the facilitation of pleasurable altered states of consciousness — point to the positive impact that BDSM activities can have on relationships," wrote Brad Sagarin, lead researcher of the study, in the Guardian Monday. "What makes this arrangement work is sexual gift-giving, the willingness of each person to provide for their partner the acts that turn their partner on."

More and more people are feeling the benefit. Importantly, if you're not already kink-inclined in the bedroom, chances are BDSM scenes won't have that same relaxing effect on you (so don't skip the yoga mat and head for the ropes just yet). BDSM activities themselves aren't the source of calm and stress relief; rather it's the personalities of individuals who are drawn to BDSM communities. As Brame explained to Mic, BDSM practitioners are "wired this way."

But more people are wired that way than we think. With the upcoming release of the 50 Shades of Grey film and the imminent arrival of Valentine's Day (definitely not a coincidence), the mainstream cultural conversation surrounding kinky sex has reached an all-time high. For good reason: Past studies have shown that more than half of all men and women (64.6% female and 53.3% male) has fantasized about being dominated sexually.

Additionally, researchers at the Kinsey Institute have estimated that 5% to 10% of the U.S. population has engaged in some form of sadomasochism for sexual pleasure on at least one occasion. What was once categorized as a "psychopathological" behavior in the science world and seen as taboo by society at large is actually a commonplace sexual activity that has many healthy and happy participants.

It's all about creating a safe space. It's no wonder that some practitioners report feeling relaxed both after scenes and within their romantic relationships — it's a community that has lived by the three main tenets of being "safe, sane and consensual" for years. The foundations of the BDSM community, such as safewords, aftercare and constant communication, lend themselves to secure, mutually satisfying experiences that often bring couples closer together.

"Because doing BDSM means communicating with your partner, usually at an intense level because you are negotiating guidelines and discussing fantasies in depth, it gives you a greater sense of trust in your partner, and that leads to a greater sense of intimacy with them, and that, ultimately, is very psychologically balancing," Brame told Mic.

To truly comprehend these extra psychological benefits is to understand that BDSM is something positive for those who practice it. It's not merely a sexual act; according to fetish sex expert and therapist Galen Fous, for some percentage of the population, BDSM practice "is a lifelong, inherent, innate sexual identity, on the same level that straight, bi, gay or lesbian is an authentic sexual identity," he told Mic. In other words, it's a behavior and identity that brings meaning and fulfillment for those who practice it.

What's healthier than that?

https://mic.com/articles/110294/there-s-a-positive-benefit-to-bdsm-everyone-s-been-overlooking#.xYdKJ8OKN

C is for Caged – Part 2

Colby hung up the phone wondering how in the hell he was going to manage an orgasm. He opened the drawer next to the bed that held Corrine’s sex toys. He found a big dildo and tossed it on the bed. That would be no help. Then he found nipple clamps. Nope. A flogger. Ben Wa Balls. Clit clamp. Fuck. None of those things would be helpful.

Finally, he hit the jackpot. He found a small vibrator that was soft and squishy. It was designed to work on a clit, but it might do it. He pulled it out and checked that it worked. It did. He lay back against the pillows and spread his legs wide. He could feel his cock pressing hard against the cage already, and he knew that this was going to be painful. But he also knew the consequences of failing.

Pressing the vibrator against the base of his cock, he felt the whole cage vibrate. It was a different sensation than he was used to, but it felt good. In fact, it felt so good that he could feel his orgasm building quickly. Without meaning to, he started bucking his hips. He groaned loudly as hot cum came shooting out and covering parts of the cage and his fingers. He quickly snapped a picture with his phone and texted it to Corrine.

“Very good,” she said in reply. Then she texted him a restaurant and time.

He got himself cleaned up as best he could in the cage and was waiting for her ten minutes before the appointed time. He watched her pull into the lot and gingerly got out of his car. His cock was sore from pressing against the cage, and the orgasm had not left him feeling relieved at all.

Colby watched her carefully so that he was standing next to her door when she put the car in park. As soon as the door unlocked, he opened it for her.

She smiled up at him, sliding her sunglasses off. “Thank you, dear,” she said sweetly. Too sweetly.

He attempted a smile that came out more like a grimace and stood back so she could exit the car. He closed the door for her, and she slipped her arms around him in a hug, pressing her body against his so that she could feel the cage. He moaned involuntarily.

“You’re such a good boy,” she whispered in his ear. “I liked seeing that picture.”

“Thank you, Ma’am,” he whispered back.

“Shall we?” she asked, pulling back as though she hadn’t just given him another raging hard on within his confines.

He whimpered but nodded. They held hands as they walked into the restaurant. It wasn’t busy, and they got a table right away. Sitting down, she made chit-chat about work while he sat uncomfortably, wondering if Corrine was going to give him the key to the cage. She hadn’t promised she would, which he realized was a mistake on his part. He should have made that part of the deal, but he had suspected she wouldn’t be negotiated with.

When they had finished their lunch, he paid the check and walked her to her car. He held the door open, and she slid inside. He couldn’t believe how nervous he felt. He didn’t know how to bring it up. With the door open wide, he stood as close to the car as he could get. She was just eye level with his cock.

“What?” she asked, feigning innocence.

“Ma’am,” he cleared his throat and swallowed hard, “would you please give me the key?”

She grinned. “Why should I?”

“I did everything you asked, Ma’am.”

“Of course you did. I expected you to.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” he said, and his eyes dropped to the ground, defeated. He knew he wasn’t getting out of the cage today.

“Good boy,” she said. He had to take a step back as she got back out of the car. She rubbed her body up against his and kissed him deeply. His arms went around her automatically, and he held her tight against him. He couldn’t help but whimper into her mouth as their hot kiss further wound him up.

“Thank you, Ma’am.”

She wrapped her arms around him, and he felt something slide into his pocket. “You may unlock yourself when you get home,” she said. “You were a very good boy.”

“Thank you, Ma’am,” he said, this time with utter relief. Only a little longer and he would be free!

“But first,” she said, and he had to stop himself from moaning, “I need you to run a few errands for me.” She pulled a folded note out of her pocket and handed it to him. “Good luck!” she said.

He watched her drive away and then pulled out the note. He. Was. Screwed.

https://jrvincente.wordpress.com/2018/05/07/c-is-for-caged-part-2-atozchallenge/

7 Sex Tips From Professional Dominatrixes

Bedroom advice from the pros.

By Brittany Wong

Want to dominate between the sheets?We’re here to help. Below, we asked professional dominatrixes to share their best, most accessible advice for long-time couples who want to step up
their game in the bedroom. No whips required!


“When I begin work with couples, my first suggestion is that they plan a date where the only outcome is creating a shared sex wish list. To make it easy, try creating three columns: Green, yellow and red zones. Green would be anything you’re dying to try, yellow is for things you’re on the fence about and want to discuss further and red (which is a great safe word, by the way) is always ‘hell, no!’

Once a couple can see what their beginning menu options are, they can begin a thoughtful dialogue toward consent and experimenting. And don’t be surprised if one day your red items become green!” ― Hudsy Hawn, a professional dominatrix, BDSM educator and couples coach in Los Angeles

“Try having some intimate time together without ending it in an orgasm. Flirt, make out, dirty talk ― maybe you stimulate each others’ genitals a little, maybe you completely avoid it. Play with sexual arousal, get super horny together, but no orgasming! Talk about what you liked and didn’t like afterwards with your partner ― you may learn something new about yourselves.

So much of our sexual lives is determined by a drive towards orgasm. A lot of BDSM is what happens when you stop making orgasms the sole or primary purpose of being sexual. It’s about experimenting and pushing the boundaries of your mental turn-ons and physical responses. When you intentionally remove orgasm as the target, it forces you to open up your idea of what sexual interaction is all about and start exploring that newfound space.” ― Mistress Iris, professional dominatrix in Los Angeles

“Communication is one of the most important things to me. It promotes trust and safety, which is key in any relationship. I find it very sexy to be able to talk about my desires, needs, and boundaries, and even hotter to know these things about my partners. In the bedroom with your partner, break the ice with some predetermined questions or even a sex game of some kind.” ― Mistress Velvet, a professional dominatrix in Chicago

“When you can consciously and consensually participate in your fantasies, it can bring you closer in connectivity. It’s important to not shame your partner for their fantasy, even if it isn’t something you want to participate in. And sometimes, it’s enough to just talk about them and never actualize them. If you decide to go forth and actualize a fantasy, be really clear with your partner about what turns you on about it, how you would like it to unfold and what you might need after. If it doesn’t work out exactly the way you wanted or expected it to, talk through it as a couple. But typically, exploring your fantasies with your partner just leads to wildly hot encounters that bring you even closer. For beginners, I always recommend this concise kink worksheet to get the conversation started.” ― Mistress Justine Cross, a professional dominatrix, dungeon owner and BDSM consultant based in Los Angeles

“Maybe you and your partner find the idea of being ‘dominant’ or ‘submissive’ sexy and want to start experimenting together. Maybe you have a picture in your head of what that role is supposed to be or you’ve begun with a bit of digging around online. It’s good to do some research and read up on what others do for both safety reasons and starter ideas, but this can also be a bit of a trap. Try not to get too attached to the definitions you read. In the same way that not all sex should resemble porn, neither should all BDSM resemble kink porn. At the end of the day, you are not performing for the world; it’s just about what makes you and your partner feel good and excited. Maybe you like being mischievously in control but don’t feel completely comfortable playing the stern or aggressive dominant role. Maybe you’re a submissive who likes to get aggressive back. Maybe you want to be a switch (someone who likes to top and bottom). Be introspective about what turns you on and don’t get to too hung up about what you think you’re supposed to do in order to fit the role.” ― Mistress Iris

“Use sex toys to add a little kink to your next dinner date or visit to your favorite bar. A remote-controlled vibrator inserted in or placed on his or her nether regions can be a great way to command the attention of your partner from across the room or table. Watch with glee as your partner attempts to order your martinis while being greeted with those vibrations controlled by you. It’s both awkward and challenging, but oh so much fun for you to watch!” ― Mistress Georgia Payne, a professional dominatrix in Los Angeles and the co-author of How to Be a Dominant Diva

“Find the courage to hold and maintain eye contact. Nothing exposes you more than locking eyes and seeing what comes up. You’ll be surprised how much more intimate your connection will become just be allowing yourselves to be vulnerable. Controlling your partner by holding a fistful of hair is much more effective when staring deeply into their eyes and doing it slowly, properly and carefully. The more deliberate and attentive you are toward one another, the better your shared experience will be. Take some time to explore your bodies through touch and eye contact. Sometimes the best sex is when there’s no genital sex at all. Screw them with your eyes and your mind!” ― Hudsy Hawn
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/dominatrix-sex-tips_us_5a9448f3e4b02cb368c4686a

C is for Caged - Part 1

Colby Carr woke up and was supremely uncomfortable. For a moment, he couldn’t remember why. As he opened his eyes and stretched, he remembered. Every morning, for as long as he could remember, he woke up with a raging hard-on. Unfortunately for him, his girlfriend had asked him to wear a cock cage. So this morning, he woke up with his raging hard-on pressed through the bars of the cage. He looked at it tentatively. The cage had bars that went around and two bars that went straight up the length of his shaft. When he was free, his cock hardened to seven inches, but in this contraption, he was restricted to about four inches.

Last night was the first time he had ever put it on. He had struggled to get the ring around his balls, and then the cage fitted to it and locked on, but he had managed. It had been after he had had sex with his girlfriend Corrine, so he had been nice and soft. He had reservations about wearing it overnight, but she had crooned at him that it turned her on and he went along with it. He usually did what she asked of him, even though they didn’t have a formal Dominant/submissive relationship.

Tentatively he touched the skin protruding from the bars. It felt as velvety as usual, and he groaned. The stimulation, even from himself, caused his cock to spasm against the metal. He rolled over to find Corrine but found that he was alone. “Fuck,” he whispered. He had been hoping that it would be enough for him to wear it overnight and she would take it off in the morning. But she hadn’t. And now he knew it would be too late.

Looking at the clock, he saw that it was nine. Corinne had to be at work by nine. He worked second shift, so he had nowhere to be, but since he went to work at two and she worked until five, he was afraid he was stuck in the cage for the whole day.

Picking up the phone, he dialed her mobile phone without thought. “Hello?” she said, after a few rings.

“Hey, Corrine,” Colby said.

“How are you?” The amusement in her voice was apparent.

“Hard.”

She giggled. “Perfect.”

“Not perfect. Where’s the key?”

“In my pocket.” His cock spasmed against his will. Why was it that knowing the only key to release him from hell was in his girlfriend’s pocket at work?

“What am I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know,” she said. Colby could tell from her tone that she was shrugging her shoulders on the other end of the connection.

“Fuck,” he murmured.

“Watch your language, love,” she purred.

“Please, Corrine? Can I meet you on your lunch break?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” she said. “Let me think about it.”

“Please, Corrine. I’m so hard. I can’t stand it.”

“You can take care of yourself,” she replied with a smile.

“How?”

“Be creative,” she admonished.

His mind was whirling. Could he get himself off with the cage enclosing his cock? Would it hurt too much? Would it be worth the relief though? Or, could he convince her to meet him on her lunch break? “Maybe,” he said, still thinking.

“I’ll make you a deal,” she said.

“I’m listening.”

“If you can get yourself off and send me picture proof, I’ll let you meet me for lunch, and maybe I’ll let you have the key.”

“And if not?”

“Then you’re stuck until tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Yep.”

“But what about after work?”

“Nope. If you can’t take care of yourself, you get another night in the cage. Deal?”

He paused. It was a gamble. He had no idea if he could be successful, but he was willing to give it a try. “Deal.”

https://jrvincente.wordpress.com/2018/04/02/c-is-for-caged-atozchallenge/

Hotel [BDSM Erotic Fiction] - J R Vincente Erotica Writer

I took a deep breath. I was so nervous that I could swear the hotel clerk could hear my heart beating in my throat. But she was smiling at me as though nothing were odd about my request for a room with a king-sized bed. But from her perspective, there wasn’t anything odd about it. I was just a woman on my own who wanted a big bed. She asked how many keys, and I hesitated. I needed to say two keys. But would that be weird to be on my own asking for two keys? But before I could second guess myself further, she said, “I’ll give you two keys.” I nodded appreciatively and swallowed over the lump in my throat.

“There you go, Ms. Jersey,” she said. I wasn’t sure if she believed that it was my last name, but since I had paid in cash and given a $200 cash deposit to ensure I didn’t need a credit card, she didn’t question it.

It wasn’t my last name. My real last name was Sherman. And my first name was Carly. I had actually given her my real first name at least. I hoped that it would cut down on confusion by using my actual first name. But honestly, I hoped that the hotel clerk would be the only employee I would come in contact with during my brief stay.

I was doing something I had never done in my life. Something I had thought I would never do. Something that, if you had asked me five years ago if I would do it, I would have laughed in your face at the absurdity of it. Yet, here I was doing exactly that, and probably more.

The dating scene had changed a lot over the last five years. Meeting strangers from the internet was a big deal back then, but now it was commonplace. Apps like Tinder and OKCupid and countless others were bringing people together in ways that just didn’t exist then. And when people would meet on the forefathers of dating apps, they would do it in smart ways. They would bring a friend, meet at a crowded restaurant, or at least talk on the phone or on video to get to know the other person. But was I doing any of that? Of course not. I was doing something so dangerous, so risky, and so terribly out of character for me that I hardly believed I was standing in this upscale hotel, getting a room to share with a complete stranger.

I went to the hotel room first, bringing my small suitcase with me. I didn’t have a lot in it, but there were a few things I knew I would need. I had lingerie and the toys my stranger had requested. I couldn’t even think about those things right now.

When I got into the room, I looked around. It was a normal room. A king-sized bed, a big chair, a desk with a chair, and a couple of side tables. There were windows that went almost floor to ceiling. I looked and found that I could see right into the windows of the next tower. The sun was just setting, and I could see right into the rooms of people who had their shades open and their lights on. I knew that meant they could see me, too, but I knew that my stranger would want the shades open. I did dim the lights as much as I thought I should. I looked at the clock, and I knew I had just under an hour to be ready. I went into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror for a full minute. Could I really do this? Could I really go through with it? I took a deep breath and made up my mind. I had come this far, and I wasn’t backing down now.

I took the soaps and shampoos and opened them, discarding the seals. I made sure two towels were within reach of the shower. They were details that seemed minor, but I wanted to be able to hop in the shower later and not be fumbling with opening soap. I knew I was wasting too much time in the bathroom and left to go on with my other tasks.

Out in the main room, I pulled out the two keys to the room and double checked to make sure both worked. They did. I left the floor, going down through the lobby, and out to the street. I looked both ways and didn’t see anyone I knew, and felt relief. I found the spot I had been instructed to leave the extra key, and I tucked it away there. I snapped a picture of it and sent it off to the stranger I had been texting with, along with the room number. I took a deep, shuddering breath as I hit send, but knew there was definitely no turning back now.

I hurried back to my room and shut the door. I had to resist my natural urge to deadbolt the door. That would defeat the whole purpose. I quickly took off all my clothes, folding them neatly and putting them into my suitcase. From the suitcase, I pulled out the lingerie. The panties were g-string and so thin that one good tug would pull the fabric apart. The top covered my breasts with light cloth, but my nipples were visible right through it. It had thin straps that would hold it up, and it fell just to my hips. All the fabric was light blue to match my eyes.

I pulled the blankets off the bed so that just the sheet was there. I left the pillows at the top of the bed. I folded the large blankets as neatly as I could and left them in the closet. With the lights dimmed, it seemed as though the room was candlelit. I laid the other items he had requested on the bedside table and then lay down on the bed and closed my eyes. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears, but I tried to focus on what I had been tasked with. Had I done everything he told me to do? I replayed the last hour over in my mind, and I couldn’t think of anything I had forgotten. I rolled toward the nightstand and picked up the items I had placed there earlier.

I slid the remote controlled vibrator into my pussy and pulled the blindfold on so that it was resting on my forehead. I needed my eyes for one last thing before I would pull it down. I picked up the cuffs that I would use to keep my hands bound. They were cuffs that I could slip my hands into and out of, so they weren’t super secure, but they got the point across. I looked above my head and saw that the headboard was solid. No chance to strap them there. My instructions were clear: If I couldn’t strap them to the headboard, I was to bind them behind my back. I slipped my right hand into the cuff and pulled the blindfold down with my left hand. I turned my head all different directions to see if I could peek out. I couldn’t. I put my left hand behind my back and slid it into the cuff. I was all set.

If I could have, I would have physically kicked myself for not looking at the time before I blindfolded myself. But the reality was that I had no sense of time anyway so it wouldn’t have mattered. I found that my heart was still pounding hard in my ears, but I was hardly breathing I was so anxious to hear any little sound. I couldn’t stop my brain from coming up with what-if scenarios. What if the cleaning crew came in? What if I had forgotten to put my phone on silent? What if I got an emergency phone call? What if this was all a big mistake?

But I knew that it wasn’t. I knew deep down in my core that this was what I had been craving. I wanted this complete stranger to lick me, suck me, fuck me. I wanted him to use me, to take advantage of me, and then to leave me. I was ashamed of the desire, but it was there nonetheless.

I waited and waited, and then I heard it, the click of the lock, the turn of the handle, and the footsteps into the room. I hadn’t thought it was possible for my heart to pound harder, but it did. I felt my pussy clench with desire and my own wetness increase tenfold. My legs were spread as I had been instructed and nothing was going to stop me from making a mess on the bed.

He didn’t say a word as he entered and approached me. The first physical indication I had that he was there was when his fingers touched the bottom of my foot. I flinched against my will, but I was so ticklish, I couldn’t help it. He trailed his fingers up the inside of my calf and then my thigh. My clit ached for him to touch it, but he didn’t. Before he reached my slick slit, he trailed his fingers over my hip and up my side. Again I shuddered but tried hard not to move. He moved across my breasts, tweaking my nipples through the fabric as he did. My pussy clenched again, and I arched my back in desire.

His fingers moved up from my breasts then and one hand wrapped around my throat. This was it. If I hadn’t placed my blind trust in a good man, I was in trouble. But he hooked his fingers behind my jawbone like I knew was safe and squeezed gently. I was able to breathe, though my breath came in rasps as he pressed lightly against my throat. “Who do you belong to?” he whispered.

“You,” I whispered back.

He let my neck go and slapped my breasts hard, first my right, then my left. It stung pleasurably. Then he moved away from me. I strained to hear anything, but couldn’t make out the sounds he was making. The vibrator turned on suddenly, and I couldn’t stifle the moan that escaped my throat.

My hips were gyrating as the small vibrator buzzed inside me. I wanted to cum so badly, but I knew I wasn’t allowed to. He had made that clear ahead of time. I didn’t get to cum until his tongue touched my clit.

He slid a finger along my soaking slit, and I could hear him chuckle. He ran his fingers down toward my ass, making sure my asshole was as slick as my pussy. His hands gripped my hips then, and I knew he was urging me to turn over. I struggled to do it with my hands restrained behind my back, but I managed. I felt the rip as he pulled the panties off my body. I had been mentally prepared for it, but the sound of the tearing fabric turned me on more than I expected.

I felt his cock slide along my slit, but not enter me. He slid along it again and again until his cock was soaked with my juices. He was thick, so thick. I didn’t think he was that long, but his thickness would more than make up for it. I felt the vibrator kick up a notch just as he pressed his cock against my puckered hole. He pressed forward, and I opened up to him. His cock slid inside me, and I moaned into the pillow. I couldn’t brace myself with my arms behind my back, but I didn’t care. It felt so good to have him pressing into my ass.

When his cock was fully pressed inside me, he gave me a moment to adjust and then he started to fuck me, fast and hard. I moaned as he fucked me, my moans reaching a fevered pitch as he turned the vibrator up again and began to spank my ass.

“Oh, god,” I moaned, “You feel so amazing filling my ass,” I screamed. My words seemed to spur him on. Without warning, he pulled all the way out of me and used his hands on my hips to urge me to flip over. When I was on my back with my legs on either side of him, he pulled me up by the light cloth I was wearing and then gripped me by the shoulder just before the slight straps ripped. He tossed the fabric aside and pulled me into a sitting position. I knew what he was after and I opened my mouth eagerly as he pressed his cock forward against my lips. I could taste myself on him, but I knew he wanted this, so I had made sure I was clean. When he was licked clean, I continued to suck his cock until he pulled it from my mouth.

The vibrations rocking my core stopped suddenly, and he pulled the vibrator out of me. I heard a thud as it hit the floor next to the bed. At the same time, he pulled the cuffs off my wrists. I stretched my arms out and wrapped them around his neck as he pinned me to the bed with his body, his cock sliding along my slit again. But this time, I knew that he was after more than just collecting some of my wetness. This time he wanted to fuck me. His cock slid home, and I moaned loudly. I felt totally full with him inside me, and I was clinging to him with both my arms and my legs. I could feel his hard, muscular body over me, but I still couldn’t see him.

“Cum for me,” I groaned, “Fill me with your cum, please!” I wanted it more than anything. I could feel him getting close; I could hear him panting. I wanted it more than I had wanted anything in my life. “Please, please, fill me with your cum,” I begged.

And he did. I could feel him spasm inside me and then the warmth of his seed as he filled me.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” I panted, even though I had yet to have an orgasm. His cock slid out of me, and I felt him slowly work his way down my body, first biting each of my nipples, eliciting a gasp from me. Then, swirling his tongue down between my breasts to my belly button and dipping inside. It was oddly sensual. And then finally his tongue reached my clit, and I almost orgasmed instantly. My pussy clenched and spasmed and my toes curled. I felt all the cum that he had spent inside me start to drip out, but then he was lapping at it, licking it up noisily. I wanted to take the blindfold off and watch him, but I had promised him I wouldn’t. I had promised I wouldn’t take it off at all, and I wanted to honor that promise.

When I had stopped shuddering and felt that there was no more cum inside me, he moved away from the bed, and I listened as he moved around the room. I was weak, and I wasn’t sure if I could actually get up if I had wanted to. But I waited. I heard water running, and then turning off. I heard him bumping around the main room. And then I could feel him standing over me. I didn’t know what part of me had sensed him. I didn’t hear him or see him or smell him, but I knew he was there. He leaned over and bit my nipple, and I hissed in response. He bit the other one, and I moaned, arching my back.

Then his mouth was right next to my ear, and he nipped at my earlobe. “I’ll see you next week,” he whispered and then he was gone.

When I heard the door close behind him, I took the blindfold off. I resisted the urge to go to the door and watch him walk down the hall. Then I got up and showered and dressed. I sat in the desk chair for a while, thinking about the night and how wonderful it had been. When my phone beeped, I looked at it and saw that he had sent me the money for the hotel room, just as he had promised. I set my key on top of the one he had left on the desk, and I went home.

https://jrvincente.wordpress.com/2017/12/30/hotel-bdsm-erotic-fiction/

What Is BDSM? A Sex Expert Reveals Exactly What It Means

When most of us hear the letters "BDSM," we think of Rihanna singing about whips and chains or Fifty Shades' Christian Grey saying "Laters, baby," right? And while it's no secret that the BDSM community is, er, not all that fond of the Fifty Shades franchise, there's no denying that the series has put the kink in the spotlight. But what is BDSM, really? I chatted with sex educator, instructor, and coach Lola Jean to find out.

"BDSM is broken into three subcategories: Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism," Jean explains. "This is the overall umbrella where most kinks fall. It can contain all elements or only one, BDSM holds no judgment."

Now, if associating words like "submission," "sadism," and "masochism" with sex is new to you, I totally get it. To many — especially those of us whose knowledge of BDSM stems purely from films like Fifty Shades — the practice sounds like a warped power dynamic or even abuse. But it is possible to combine sex, power, and even pain in a healthy fashion, Jean says, as long as two adults are communicative and have explicitly given their consent.

When asked how she felt Fifty Shades portrayed this kind of relationship, Jean held no punches. "To be honest, I’ve stopped paying attention to Fifty Shades," she says. "It’s so horrendous and makes me angry. From what I can tell, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of communication between the partners or proper aftercare."

"Aftercare" refers to the time and attention two partners spend together after an intense sexual experience, built around discussing how you both felt about what just took place and ensuring each partner feels appreciated and cared for. It differs from couple to couple based on your own wants and needs (for some, it might include cuddling; for others, a conversation about exactly what was going through your mind during sex), but aftercare is a way to touch base and ensure you both feel safe and comfortable. And no, it's not something that Fifty Shades seems to portray at all.

Even beyond this franchise, BDSM is largely misrepresented in the entertainment industry — and, consequently, largely misunderstood. Below, Jean dispels three major myths and offers suggestions for beginners looking to ease their way into a BDSM relationship.

1. BDSM isn't code for physical violence.
"When people hear BDSM, they tend to associate it with 'being mean,' aggressive behavior, and general sadism," says Jean. "BDSM can, in fact, be sweet, fulfilling, and creative. What gets lost is the understanding, effort, and responsibility that comes with being a Dominant, or the simultaneous control and vulnerability that comes with being a submissive."

In a healthy BDSM relationship, both partners aim to please the other. The submissive sets boundaries and has ultimate control over what happens in the relationship. Further, as Jean notes, there's a huge difference between sadism/masochism and uninvited physical abuse. To use her words, "Physical abuse is impact that is unwanted and nonconsensual, not just painful."

It's important to remember that BDSM isn't just about tying a person up and calling it a day — the relationship is built on fulfilling your partner's needs, providing them pleasure, and constantly communicating to ensure you're doing both well. It's yet another reason why aftercare is so critical — not only because it's imperative that both partners feel safe and cared for, but because both must have a deep understanding of the other's boundaries, comfort levels, and sexual interests.

2. Dominance is not about barking orders.From those on the outside looking in, Doms appear to be calling the shots, regardless of what the submissive does or does not want to be doing. But BDSM relationships rarely start at this point, and the submissive is never truly out of control.

"Many people assume that a Dominant makes demands and orders at all times," says Jean. "Yes, this may happen once the relationship has been established and there is understanding within the dynamic. [But] there is a large element of trust that needs to be built within a relationship with a power dynamic. Even when 'forced' to do something, it should be on the submissive's own free will. There should always be an out, exit, or safe words available."

BDSM is all about placing your trust in another person. Submissives often take on that role for the sake of surrendering control, of giving themselves largely to another person. That said, in a healthy relationship, they will be the ones who ultimately decide when to start and stop. The relationship doesn't work unless the submissive truly has control and agency.

3. It's not an "all or nothing" situation.
Arguably, the greatest challenge the BDSM community has faced is their own misrepresentation in films and television. We see "BDSM" as whips, chains, and uncomfortable leather ensembles — no more, and certainly no less. In actuality, there are plenty of ways that couples can (and, if interested, should) ease into a BDSM dynamic.

"I highly recommend incorporating it into dirty talk or sexting prior to doing anything in a sexual setting," says Jean. "You may not know how you will react to a certain scenario or phrase in the heat of the moment. Better not to leave it to chance and use this time to test the waters [and] figure out your likes and dislikes. Doesn’t hurt that it can provide for some good spank bank material, either."

It's also important to note that BDSM is about pushing your limits — not exceeding them. As in all forms of sexual activity, if you're unsure or uncomfortable with something, say no or ask to stop.

"[Ask yourself questions like] What are the goals of each of you in this BDSM relationship. Is it 24/7? Is it habitual? Are you both aware and respecting of your boundaries and intentions? Have you communicated your needs before and after play or scenes?" advises Jean. "There are many things to think about before you dive head first into a power dynamic relationship. The control — or lack of control — can be intoxicating, though it comes with much responsibility."

https://www.elitedaily.com/p/what-is-bdsm-a-sex-expert-reveals-exactly-what-it-means-8068256

Dominant Submissive Relationships In The Bedroom: Why BDSM Couples Like Having Rough Sex

Many couples will admit sex can become predictable over the course of a relationship. We all know the routine: we go to the bedroom, turn off the lights, and have sex (almost) always in the missionary position until we're done. Although there's nothing wrong with “vanilla” sex, some couples choose to spice things up in the bedroom a la Fifty Shades of Grey.

The novel and namesake movie sparked our curiosity surrounding the taboo 6-for-4 deal acronym: Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism, also known as BDSM, or S&M. Some couples receive pleasure from the physical or psychological pain and suffering of biting, grabbing, spanking, or hair pulling. This type of consensual forceful play is a thrill many of us desire, and the reasons are natural.Heather Claus, owner of DatingKinky.com, who has been in the BDSM scene for about 24 years, believes people who seek out kink of any kind tend to be looking for something “more.”

“More creative, more passionate, more sexy, more intimate than what they’ve found so far in traditional or ‘vanilla’ relationships,” she told Medical Daily.

Yet, BDSM critics believe it’s an unhealthy, unnatural behavior sought by those who are troubled, or with compromised mental health.

So, does our urge for naughty, uninhibited sex reflect an underlying psychological disorder, or is it just a part of a healthy sexual lifestyle?

1.Shades Of Grey: DSM-5
In Fifty Shades, Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele have a budding “romance” that revolves around partially consensual BDSM where Grey inflicts pain or dominance over his partner. Grey admits to being neglected by his mother who was a drug addict and controlled by a pimp, who would beat and abuse him. It has long been believed those in BDSM relationships often show signs of the mental disorder sexual sadism.

Currently, in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition(DSM-5), used by mental health professionals, individuals are diagnosed with "sexual sadism" if they experience sexual excitement from the psychological or physical suffering (including humiliation) of the victim. They must meet the following criteria:

1) “Over a period of at least 6 months, recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving acts (real, not simulated) in which the psychological or physical suffering (including humiliation) of the victim is sexually exciting to the person.”

2) “The person has acted on these sexual urges with a nonconsenting person, or the sexual urges or fantasies cause marked distress or interpersonal difficulty.”

BDSM Sadist Vs. Diagnosed Sadist

There are two clear distinctions between a BDSM sadist and a sadist according to the manual. In BDSM, a sadist revels in the consensual pain that is desired by the bottom, or receiver. They enjoy the fact that the bottom enjoys the pain. However, a diagnosed sadist enjoys when they hurt another truly and deeply without consent.

“In a BDSM ‘scene,’ pain creates a connection and depth, an intimacy if you will,” said Claus. The key here is consent.

Someone who identifies as a kinky sadist is often looking for this, or even more than just the pain experience.

Fifty Shades has received a lot of criticism because it’s not an accurate portrayal of BDSM. Patrick Wanis, a human behavior and relationship expert, believes there are many misconceptions about the practice due to how it’s shown in the movie. For example, in Grey and Steele’s day-to-day relationship, she’s afraid of him. He takes her old Volkswagen and sells it without her consent, and then hands her the keys to a new, luxurious car.

Wanis stresses Grey made the choice for her, without considering whether she had an opinion, or whether that opinion means anything or not.


“Fifty Shades of Grey opened conversations around rough sex, kinky sex, and BDSM, although it’s not an example of BDSM, it’s rather an example of psychological abuse, as well as physical, verbal, and maybe even sexual abuse,” Wanis told Medical Daily.

50 Shades promotes abuse and rape of women - Patrick Wanis PhD

A healthy, functional BDSM relationship thrives on communication.

“When we are practicing things that have the potential to harm—and I'm using the word harm to mean lasting damage versus hurt to mean current pain—communication and consent are critical,” Claus said.

Moreover, those who practice BDSM may be just as mentally healthy as non-practitioners. Many other factors determine one’s mental health besides sexuality.

A 2008 study published in the Journal of Psychology & Human Sexuality found BDSM is not a pathological symptom, but rather, a wide range of normal human erotic interests. Researchers administered a questionnaire and 7 psychometric tests to 32 participants who self-identified as BDSM practitioners. The findings revealed the group was generally mentally healthy, and just a select few experienced early abuse, while only two participants met the criteria for pathological narcissism, hinting no borderline pathology. No evidence was found that clinical disorders, including depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsion, are more prevalent in the BDSM community.

2.Initial Attraction To BDSM
BDSM is not as unconventional as we’d like to think. According to Wanis, a majority of the population has fantasies about dominance and submission. Many women have fantasies about submission, while many men have fantasies about dominance.

“We all have a fantasy that involves some form of rough sex, because one of us wants to dominate, and one of us wants to submit,” said Wanis.

However, fantasy is not to be confused with reality. Some things look pleasurable in our minds, but wouldn’t turn out well in reality. Our initial attraction to BDSM can originate in two ways; either as an intrinsic part of the self, or via external influences, according to a 2011 study in Psychology & Sexuality.

The researchers noted there were few differences in gender or BDSM role when it came to someone’s initial interest. The only gender differences found were among submissive participants: a greater proportion of men than women cited their interest came from their “intrinsic self,” whereas a greater proportion of women than men cited “external influences.”

In other words, men were more likely to cite their BDSM interest as coming from inside of themselves compared to women. They were naturally, inherently driven to seek out this type of sexual behavior, whereas women were more influenced by external forces, like a friend or a lover.

Although we know what can trigger our curiosity, why do some of us enjoy it more?

3.Dominant And Submissive Relationship
BDSM involves a wide range of practices that include role-playing games where one partner assumes the dominant role ("dom"), and the other partner assumes a submissive role ("sub"). The dom controls the action, while the sub gives up control, but does set limits on what the dom can do.

“Dominants and submissives come from all walks of life,” Claus said.

For example, in Fifty Shades, Grey is a high-powered leader of a company, which may seem obvious for a dominant man. However, a man or woman who might be in charge in their professional life may want to give up that power in the bedroom.

“Power is the greatest aphrodisiac,” Wanis said. “… giving oneself over to a dominant person represents becoming consumed by the power, which in turn creates sexual arousal.”

A popular misconception is if you’re submissive in the bedroom, you’re weak and have low self-esteem. A partner who chooses to submit to a lover in a consensual, healthy relationship shows a lot of power.

Dr. Jess O’Reilly, Astroglide’s resident sexologist, has found many submissives are actually quite powerful people who manage great responsibilities in their professional and personal lives.

“Being submissive in bed allows them an opportunity to play an alternative role and alleviates some of the regular pressure associated with their everyday lives,” she told Medical Daily.
Top, Bottom, And Switching

It's often mistaken doms are always on top, and submissive are on bottom. A person can simultaneously adopt the role of bottom and dom, known as topping from the bottom. Meanwhile, a bottom can be a submissive partner; someone who receives stimulation, but is not submissive; and someone who enjoys submission on a temporary basis.

Couples tend to have a preferred role they mostly play, but some enjoy alternating roles, known as "switches."

A 2013 study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine asked BDSM aficionados to complete a survey about their sex habits through a website devoted to personal secrets. In the sample, men were primarily tops as 48 percent identified as dominant and 33 percent as submissive. Women were primarily bottoms with 76 percent as submissive, and 8 percent as dominant.

The Submissive Feminist

Now, some critics of BDSM will argue women who want to be submissive in the bedroom are promoting female oppression. These submissive women may be gaining control because they are choosing what they want to do sexually. This includes being bossed around, ordered to perform sex acts, or being spanked, restrained, or verbally talked down to.

Claus asserts, “Feminism is first and foremost about equal rights to choose. So, BDSM, being 100 percent consensual, is a feminist’s paradise.”

Dominant and submissive relationships are not limited to gender; there are men who want to be dominated, and women who want to dominate. This implies our sexual desires don’t always coincide with our personal and political identity. In BDSM, we’re playing a role where a kinky scene can serve as a form of escapism.

“You can have a highly egalitarian relationship and still engage in kinky sex in the presence of ongoing informed consent,” said O’Reilly.

4.BDSM: All About Communication
BDSM is still viewed as an unconventional sensual, erotic, and sexual behavior, yet couples who practice this tend to develop a better sense of self. These couples are more likely to communicate their likes and dislikes with their partner. In the previously mentioned 2013 study, Dutch researchers found BDSM lovers were more extraverted, more open to experience, more conscientious, less neurotic, less sensitive to rejection, more securely attached, and higher in subjective well-being. Specifically, all three BDSM subsets, including dominants, submissives, and switches, outscored controls on “subjective well-being”; the difference was significant for dominants.

So, what’s the connection between BDSM and healthy relationships?

It’s a combination of self-awareness and communication. BDSM helps couples recognize their sexual identity and desire. Communication is a standard in BDSM activities because couples must be able to negotiate boundaries and safe practices. According to O’Reilly, some couples feel their overall levels of communication improve with kink play.

“These benefits spill into other areas of the relationship (e.g. parenting, division of labour, emotional expression) and serve to deepen their existing bond,” she said.

Communication and consent are critical in BDSM, especially when it comes to pain play.

5.Pain Is Pleasure: Why It Feels So Good
Several couples will admit they get pleasure from experiencing pain, or inflicting (consensual) pain on others. Yet, some of us will yell in pain when we twist our ankle or break a bone, and even a papercut can produce misery. There’s actually a difference between good pain and bad pain.

“Interestingly, our brain processes social rejection in the same place where it processes physical pain. When we experience pain in a sexual act, we’re going to enjoy that pain differently, because we have a different interpretation to it than an accident where we don’t have control,” Wanis said.

When we experience bad pain, this indicates something is not right, and needs immediate attention. However, when we feel good pain during sadomasochism — giving or receiving pleasure from the infliction or reception of pain and humiliation — it is enjoyable. A 2014 study found sadomasochism alters blood flow in the brain, which can lead to an altered state of consciousness similar to a “runner’s high” or yoga. Brain changes were seen in the prefrontal and limbic/paralimbic pain regions when participants either received pain or gave pain.

Here, the pain led the central nervous system to release endorphins, which are proteins that act to block pain, and promote feelings of euphoria.

It seems pain and pleasure have always been intertwined.

There’s one other reason pain may sometimes feel good: The range of interests in BDSM could possibly possess an evolutionary advantage.

6.Evolutionary Advantage: Is BDSM A Reproductive Strategy?
BDSM involves role playing, with aspects like dominance and submission, which can be roughly translated into lower and/or higher-ranking partners. In mammals, high hierarchical status is linked with increased reproductive success, and Czech researchers believe BDSM-induced arousal could be a manifestation of a mating strategy.

In a 2009 study, published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, researchers found sexual arousal through overemphasized hierarchy, like dominant-slave play, can represent a reproductive strategy. Role play allows someone who has a need to be dominant to feel dominant, and someone who is submissive to be able to reproduce. It joins two people who have varied, but complementary, sexual preferences to reap benefits from each other.

People who engage in BDSM also show adaptability and knowledge of various sexual behaviors. They’re able to relate in socially and sexually unconventional ways that can give them an evolutionary edge. In other words, BDSM can make someone become more open-minded, self-aware, and more expressive in communicating their needs and desires, which is advantageous in any relationship — not just those that are intimate.

7.BDSM: The 'New' Way To Have Sex
BDSM has been a thing for a very, very long time, so it's hardly “new”, but Fifty Shades expanded the conversation around it. The movie inspired people to explore their own sexual preferences, and embrace their naughtiest desires. However, it’s important to note its representation of BDSM is problematic; it is indeed shades of grey.

Couples seem to be enticed by BDSM because it steers away from the conventional, and encourages the exploration of the unknown, or taboo. It’s against society’s norms, and solicits more intrigue.

“We want to break the taboo, and that becomes sexually exciting,” Wanis said.

If we’re willing to hand over our physical, mental, emotional, and psychological safety to our partner — that’s more than just kinky sex, that’s trust. Hopefully, that trust has been earned.

http://www.medicaldaily.com/dominant-submissive-relationships-bedroom-why-bdsm-couples-having-rough-sex-416412

Everything You Need To Know About Nipple Clamps

Your breasts are erogenous zones that deserve plenty of TLC during sex. And while being felt up can feel delightful, many people out there enjoy more painful stimulation, particularly on their nipples. Thankfully, there's a handy sex toy that can accomplish just that: nipple clamps.

The name may sound scary, but nipple clamps are just small, simple devices used to pinch nipples, says Galen Fous, a kink-positive sex therapist and fetish sex educator. They work by applying pressure and restricting blood flow, which can provide a painful (and pleasurable) experience.

People who enjoy using nipple clamps describe the sensation as an intense pinching feeling. They're often associated with BDSM, since a dominant partner may put them on a submissive partner as as form of power play. But many people outside the kink world enjoy various forms of nipple play, whether it's licking, pinching, or even biting the sensitive area (and that includes men and non-binary people, too). In fact, a small 2011 study found that women's nipple sensations are processed in the same area of the brain that processes sensations in the vagina and clitoris. So, if you haven't considered applying a little pressure to your nipples during sex or masturbation, you may want to test the waters. (Who knows? Maybe you'll achieve the elusive "nipplegasm.")



If nipple clamps sound particularly exciting to you, try experimenting with what you have at home before purchasing a set, says Amanda Luterman, MA, OPQ, a psychotherapist who specializes in sexuality. "You know that expression, 'If you’re a hammer, everything is a nail?' Well, if you’re sexual, everything is a sex toy," Luterman says. She suggests having your partner place a clothespin on your nipples or just use their fingers as a clamping tool before dropping cash at a sex shop. However, as Fous says, if you've tried and enjoyed nipple pinching at home, you're likely ready to level up and invest in a pair of proper nipple clamps.



For those of you who are brand new to the BDSM toy, Fous says adjustable clamps are the way to go. These are made with a little screw so you (or your partner) can increase and decrease the level of intensity after placing the clamp on the nipple. Sometimes, these are also referred to as "clothespin clamps," since they resemble the household item. (This variety was accurately portrayed in Fifty Shades Darker when Christian Grey tried out a pair on Anastasia Steele's finger.) Like many nipple clamps, they're usually connected by a metal chain. Just know that the heavier the chain, the more weight your nipples carry, and heavier weight makes for a more extreme experience. So start small with a light chain (like this pair), and work your way up to a heavier chain (like this one) for more advanced play.

Another type to consider is a clover nipple clamp. These have a fixed entrance — meaning: they're not adjustable — so you should only use these if you're experienced with nipple clamps, Fous says. If you're interested in the most cutting edge sex toys, the latest kinds of nipple clamps Fous has seen on the market are made with magnets. Since magnet nipple clamps often aren't connected with a chain, they can also be worn as a removable alternative to nipple piercings. And they can be used by beginners and pros alike.

Keep in mind that nipple clamps are not just for partnered play, and purchasing a pair to add to your masturbation routine is a pretty badass move. Plus, it's a zero-pressure way to figure out your pain threshold. "It's a good idea to practice with nipple clamps on your own and experiment to learn how much sensation and pressure you enjoy before trying them out with a partner," Fous says.

In terms of safety precautions, remember to start slow, with an adjustable pair on the loosest setting, and work your way up. Always listen to your body and remove the clamps the second they hurt beyond your pain tolerance. And if your nipple starts to turn blue, you should remove them immediately, says Michael Aaron, PhD, a kink-friendly NYC-based sex therapist. Since nipple clamps restrict blood flow, if you keep them on for too long, you could cause nerve damage. Unfortunately, there's no medical research on how long nipple clamps should be left on for, but Dr. Aaron says it's best to keep them on for no longer than 15 minutes, just to be safe.

Also, if you're using nipple clamps with a partner, it's a good idea to pick a safe word so that you have an easy way to communicate that you're not enjoying yourself and want to stop. But like we said, if you start with more mild stimulation and increase the intensity slowly, you'll likely find your sweet spot.

Intrigued yet? If you haven't shown your nipples some love recently, maybe it's time to test out some pleasurable pain.

The gap between what we learned in sex ed and what we're learning through sexual experience is big — way too big. So we're helping to connect those dots by talking about the realities of sex, from how it's done to how to make sure it's consensual, safe, healthy, and pleasurable all at once. 

Check out more here.