Bedroom advice from the pros.
Want to dominate between the sheets?We’re here to help. Below, we asked professional dominatrixes to share their best, most accessible advice for long-time couples who want to step up
their game in the bedroom. No whips required!
“When I begin work with couples, my first suggestion is that they plan a date where the only outcome is creating a shared sex wish list. To make it easy, try creating three columns: Green, yellow and red zones. Green would be anything you’re dying to try, yellow is for things you’re on the fence about and want to discuss further and red (which is a great safe word, by the way) is always ‘hell, no!’
Once a couple can see what their beginning menu options are, they can begin a thoughtful dialogue toward consent and experimenting. And don’t be surprised if one day your red items become green!” ― Hudsy Hawn, a professional dominatrix, BDSM educator and couples coach in Los Angeles
“Try having some intimate time together without ending it in an orgasm. Flirt, make out, dirty talk ― maybe you stimulate each others’ genitals a little, maybe you completely avoid it. Play with sexual arousal, get super horny together, but no orgasming! Talk about what you liked and didn’t like afterwards with your partner ― you may learn something new about yourselves.
So much of our sexual lives is determined by a drive towards orgasm. A lot of BDSM is what happens when you stop making orgasms the sole or primary purpose of being sexual. It’s about experimenting and pushing the boundaries of your mental turn-ons and physical responses. When you intentionally remove orgasm as the target, it forces you to open up your idea of what sexual interaction is all about and start exploring that newfound space.” ― Mistress Iris, professional dominatrix in Los Angeles
“Communication is one of the most important things to me. It promotes trust and safety, which is key in any relationship. I find it very sexy to be able to talk about my desires, needs, and boundaries, and even hotter to know these things about my partners. In the bedroom with your partner, break the ice with some predetermined questions or even a sex game of some kind.” ― Mistress Velvet, a professional dominatrix in Chicago
“When you can consciously and consensually participate in your fantasies, it can bring you closer in connectivity. It’s important to not shame your partner for their fantasy, even if it isn’t something you want to participate in. And sometimes, it’s enough to just talk about them and never actualize them. If you decide to go forth and actualize a fantasy, be really clear with your partner about what turns you on about it, how you would like it to unfold and what you might need after. If it doesn’t work out exactly the way you wanted or expected it to, talk through it as a couple. But typically, exploring your fantasies with your partner just leads to wildly hot encounters that bring you even closer. For beginners, I always recommend this concise kink worksheet to get the conversation started.” ― Mistress Justine Cross, a professional dominatrix, dungeon owner and BDSM consultant based in Los Angeles
“Maybe you and your partner find the idea of being ‘dominant’ or ‘submissive’ sexy and want to start experimenting together. Maybe you have a picture in your head of what that role is supposed to be or you’ve begun with a bit of digging around online. It’s good to do some research and read up on what others do for both safety reasons and starter ideas, but this can also be a bit of a trap. Try not to get too attached to the definitions you read. In the same way that not all sex should resemble porn, neither should all BDSM resemble kink porn. At the end of the day, you are not performing for the world; it’s just about what makes you and your partner feel good and excited. Maybe you like being mischievously in control but don’t feel completely comfortable playing the stern or aggressive dominant role. Maybe you’re a submissive who likes to get aggressive back. Maybe you want to be a switch (someone who likes to top and bottom). Be introspective about what turns you on and don’t get to too hung up about what you think you’re supposed to do in order to fit the role.” ― Mistress Iris
“Use sex toys to add a little kink to your next dinner date or visit to your favorite bar. A remote-controlled vibrator inserted in or placed on his or her nether regions can be a great way to command the attention of your partner from across the room or table. Watch with glee as your partner attempts to order your martinis while being greeted with those vibrations controlled by you. It’s both awkward and challenging, but oh so much fun for you to watch!” ― Mistress Georgia Payne, a professional dominatrix in Los Angeles and the co-author of How to Be a Dominant Diva
“Find the courage to hold and maintain eye contact. Nothing exposes you more than locking eyes and seeing what comes up. You’ll be surprised how much more intimate your connection will become just be allowing yourselves to be vulnerable. Controlling your partner by holding a fistful of hair is much more effective when staring deeply into their eyes and doing it slowly, properly and carefully. The more deliberate and attentive you are toward one another, the better your shared experience will be. Take some time to explore your bodies through touch and eye contact. Sometimes the best sex is when there’s no genital sex at all. Screw them with your eyes and your mind!” ― Hudsy Hawn