Dominatrix Says Sexual Consent Is Never A Grey Area, No Matter How Rough

Mistress Tokyo says there is no defence when it comes to violating consent. Image: Roberto Duran Penthouse

Australian dominatrix Mistress Tokyo is used to being in control, and sometimes things get a little rough, but she says that is no defence when it comes to consent as research shows unwanted sexual violence is on the rise.

Her stern warning comes as the world waits to hear the fate of Grace Millane’s killer, who argued her death was a result of sex gone wrong between the pair at his apartment.
Millane, 21, was killed by her Tinder date while she was backpacking in New Zealand.
The 27-year-old man, whose name has been suppressed by Kiwi courts, was found guilty of murdering Millane following a high court trial.
This is despite the defence arguing that Millane had died during consensual rough sex and that she had asked him to choke her.
The court heard her killer spent up to ten minutes strangling her and he took 'trophy' photos of her body. According to the prosecution, after Millane died, her killer Googled 'hottest fire' and then looked at several pornography sites.
The case prompted NZ prime minister Jacinda Ardern to apologise to Millane's family on behalf of the country.
"Your daughter should have been safe here, and she wasn't, and I'm sorry for that," she said in her tearful response.
Sadly, as the details of the crimes against Millane came to light, research shows unwanted slapping, choking, gagging and spitting during sex is on the rise.

More than one-third of U.K women (Millane's home country) under the age of 40 claimed that they had experienced one or more of the above acts without giving consent, according to research first reported by BBC Radio.
Twenty per cent of those women said they had been left upset or frightened by one or more of these acts, regardless of whether they had initially wanted to try it or not.
In NSW the law prevents a victim's sexual history and reputation from being used to argue that they consented to a sex act that is subject to a criminal case.
New Zealand doesn't have the same stance. While Millane's killer was eventually found guilty and is awaiting his sentence, during the trial, her ex-boyfriend was asked to detail their sexual past. He claimed they had experimented with choking using safe words.

Tabloids covering the trial then zoned in on Millane's past sex life and it was widely reported that she had visited BDSM websites.
Australian lawyer Jasmina Ceic said a person's sexual history or preferences should not be relevant to whether or not they consent to have sex with a particular person.
"The court doesn't want you to reason that because the person liked BDSM they were consenting to the sexual act," Ceic said.

'Do Consent Really Hard'

Mistress Tokyo has been a dominatrix and BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, Masochism) practitioner for more than 20 years. She describes herself as a "highly fetishistic bondage top".

While the popular movie and book series Fifty Shades of Grey thrust BDSM into the mainstream, she felt strongly that when it comes to consent it is never 'grey'.

Mistress Tokyo says consent is the most important part of her job. Image: Mistresstokyo.com/soulfocusstudio

"Silence does not breed consent. No one should ever have their agency taken away under the auspices of someone else's ego," Mistress Tokyo told 10 daily.
If we're going to do consent we're going to do it really hard. So using safe words and encouraging the person to step fully into consent.

Another Sydney-based dominatrix is Mistress Lucilla, who refers to herself on the job as "unapologetically cruel", but she draws a firm line at consent.

The services listed on her website include "spanking, flogging, caning [and] slave training". But before any of that happens, she makes sure her clients fully consent to whatever they do behind closed doors.

Mistress Tokyo says consent is never a grey area. Image: Roberto Duran Penthouse

Mistress Lucilla said she makes sure her clients are willing participants in 'play' and stresses it must be 'safe, sane and consensual'. Her clients discuss their medical histories, past trauma, injuries and medication and alcohol that's been consumed before anything happens.

"I'm very strict about getting consent and clarity about what's going to happen during the session. If the client is unsure about what they want, I send them away to reflect on it," she said.

Australian law holds firm that a person cannot consent to serious bodily harm where there is a risk of death or significant physical impairment.
Mistress Lucilla claimed she has had to turn away clients who make 'extreme' requests -- such as asking for their genitals to be removed.

The dominatrix says she operates under strict consent. Image: Supplied/ Tim Bradshaw

The New Normal - But Should It Be?
In 2017, a survey of 1,000 people found almost 60 per cent believed stopping unwanted sex was the woman's responsibility, Patty Kinnersly, CEO of domestic violence prevention group Our Watch said.
The research echoed concerns from law and criminology experts that consent is not well understood as acts of sexual violence become normalised in the bedroom.
"There is a degree of increased acceptance when it comes to aggressive sexual relationships," Professor of Criminology Gail Mason said.

In shows like Game of Thrones, sexual violence is normalised and women are often portrayed as objects of sexual pleasure or as performing a service.

The NSW Law Reform Commission has published a series of draft proposals in an attempt to strengthen the definitions of sexual consent.
One proposal aims to ensure that a person does not consent to sex if they do not "say or do anything" -- following Victoria's lead on the issue.

NSW is seeking to strengthen consent laws. If a person consents to one sexual activity it doesn't mean there is consent to other activities. Image: Getty

https://10daily.com.au/news/crime/a191203rbpyc/dominatrix-says-sexual-consent-is-never-a-grey-area-no-matter-how-rough-20191213

7 Things You Should Know About Figging

Figging, aka the act of sticking ginger root up your vagina or anus. Yes.

While generally it's a bad idea to stick any food products up your vagina or anus, there is one version that has stuck around for centuries, thanks to the purposely painful sensation it causes. Meet figging, aka the act of sticking a skinned piece of ginger root up your anus or vagina for the burning sensation it causes. The feeling figging causes has become popularized thanks to BDSM, where it's categorized as "sensation play."

Whether you're just curious about figging or looking to try it out solo or with a partner, here are some tips you should def brush up on before you hit up your local Whole Foods.

1. You might've heard of it because of "50 Shades"
Thanks to a reference in E.L. James' Grey spin-off book, figging is having a moment again.

2. It has roots (sorry) in Ancient Greece.
Figging is believed to have been used as a punishment for slave women, adulterous men, and animals among the Ancient Greeks and Romans. While some accounts mention ginger or radish, others refer to the act as "gingering" using a piece of skinned garlic. Confusing right?

3. If you have a food ginger allergy, this is not the activity for you.
If you have an allergic reaction when eating ginger, stay away from it for recreational purposes too. Ginger can irritate some people's skin, says Carol Queen, PhD, and staff sexologist at Good Vibrations. And a rash is not considered safe BDSM.

4. You need to skin the ginger root.
Herein is the potential for any trouble. Any dirty portion of unskinned root getting inside of you could lead to bladder or vaginal infections, notes Michael Ingber, MD, a board-certified urologist and female pelvic pain doctor.
It's also a plus if you can make it as smooth as possible. "If someone is going to fig, make sure the inserted part is smooth," adds Queen. You don't wanna stick an accidental shank up your body and scrape or cut yourself.

And if you're doing butt stuff with figging, carve out an anchor or some sort of handle so it doesn't get sucked up into your bum.
5. It's not for beginners.

"People respond to the ginger sensation differently, and as with every other genital sensation exploration, it will be hard to stop the sensation if you decide you don't like it or it's too much," explains Queen. You can't safe-word out of it, she adds, so def keep that in mind.

6. It can be a solo or partnered activity.
Partnered figging often involves a top-bottom dynamic, according to Queen. On the other hand, a solo sesh with figging would focus on just your sensation and the way it enhances your erotic pleasure. It's usually a good idea to try most BDSM things solo first so you can get a sense of things, and that rings true with figging.

7. Set aside some time for it.
"It'll take a few minutes for the sensation to max out, and then it will take a while for the intensity to subside," says Queen. Generally speaking, "it takes about a half hour for the sensation to go from wild to mild," she adds, so try to keep your figging play within that time-frame.

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a30221922/figging-ginger-bdsm-kink/

How BDSM Contracts Work (And Why Even Non-Kinksters Should Give Them A Try!)

Different people have different sexual triggers and desires, so how do we work to bridge that gap within any given relationship? How can people have sex that’s hot, intimate and satisfying for everyone involved?

The answer came to me just recently, and it's this: negotiation.

My Desires, Your Desires
Kink negotiation is all about making sure that everyone feels heard, safe and satisfied before, during and after a scene.
But good negotiation begins with one thing: knowing your own desires well enough to share them with others ... which is easier said than done.
Cultural shame around sexuality is a big reason why so many of us have problems not only speaking about our desires but also grasping them in the first place.
If the very thought of something arousing sends you into a spiral of shame and embarrassment, that’s where you need to start. Overcoming a lifetime of internalized sexual shame can be difficult, but it’s an endeavor that’s worthy of your time and commitment.

Now, assuming that you are not ashamed of your desires and that you can talk about them, you’ve got the first thing you need for negotiating with partners and lovers.
The next thing you need is good listening skills. It’s not enough to be able to express your desires — you also must listen to others’ desires without judgment.

We have a saying in the kink community: YKINMY (short for Your Kink Is Not My Kink).

That’s the attitude that kinky people have around things that don’t turn them on. We accept others’ kinks even if they are different from our own, and even if they are 'squicky' for us. If we come to the kink community for non-judgmental acceptance of who we are among same-minded people, then it’s only fair that we extend this non-judgmental attitude towards others.
My own kink negotiation skills have made me more ready to accept that most men in my life may be turned on by things other than what turns me on. I now find myself less annoyed by the fact that they like a revealing piece of clothing where I would prefer a dirty story. I satisfy them ... and they satisfy me in return!

Also, being around things that squick me at parties and being able to observe them without judgment has made me more aware of the wide variety of desires that exist, and that my own desires are just a tiny part of them. They’re not “more natural” or “better” or whatever. They’re just mine. And thankfully, I can find people to share and satisfy them with.
So, by openly sharing your desires with potential partners, you can determine whether your desires align.

It’s okay if they don’t — at least you talked about it and you know, and now neither of you will waste your time on activities that will be disappointing to both of you.

Kinky Negotiating Skills
Negotiation is a skill that is so essential to the kink and BDSM lifestyle that we have workshops about it, books about it, blog posts about it, articles about it and more. The art of kink negotiation and the creation of BDSM relationship contracts is what often makes the difference between a popular player and someone who’s always left behind at parties, whether they’re a top or a bottom.

Kinksters have long known that engaging in thorough contract negotiation helps them achieve several things: getting to know a partner, ensuring that everyone is heard, and planning a fun, satisfying scene for everyone involved. Negotiation is the basic mode of interaction between players, and it continues on during, and even after, a scene.

So what do kinksters know about bridging desire gaps? A lot, actually.

Say you’re a new-ish bottom who wants to experiment with whips for the first time. You’re imagining cracking sounds and burning red welts, a sadistic torturer counting the strikes ... all the things we see in movies and TV shows.

Except, you’re not likely to find a top who’ll do these things for you on your first try, especially not if you’re playing with them for the first time.

Even if the top’s desires also involve fantasies of long torture sessions, raised welts on bare backs, and uncontrollable weeping, it makes no sense to do that until you’re both very experienced — not only with whips but also with each other.

So what happens instead looks like this:

You say: “I want welts.”

They say: “Let’s start slowly and see where it goes.”

Sometimes it’s the opposite: an over-eager top wants to try something a bit extreme with a bottom who expresses a different, milder desire.
Unless your desires differ deeply, either in substance or in style, more often than not you can find a nice middle ground where both top and bottom can have fun.

But I'm Not Kinky!

Whips and chains don’t excite you? That’s fine. You can still learn from the way kinksters negotiate scenes (and larger relationships) to have a better sex life thank yours is currently.

Vanilla people also have limits, as well as desires and needs of their own.

People in monogamous relationships can’t just negotiate once and then assume that things will never change — women’s sexuality, especially, is known to be fluid and changeable over time. So negotiating sex, whether it’s wearing a revealing nightie to flare up a man’s desires or providing a night of sensual massages and emotional intimacy for your girlfriend, is an important skill that everyone should have, whether they like kinky sex or not.

Above all, the first step towards a satisfying sex life has always been, and should continue to be, developing communication and negotiation skills.

Knowing what turns your partner on, expressing what turns you on, and finding a way to make both people happy despite different desires and sexual cues, make for happier sex lives and happier relationships.

http://www.yourtango.com/2017301824/how-bdsm-relationship-contracts-negotiated-and-even-non-kinksters-should-try

Sociologists Reclassify BDSM As “Leisure Activity” In Bid To Remove Stigma

In a bid to remove the stigma surrounding BDSM sexual practice, sociologists are attempting to reclassify it as a “leisure activity” akin to golf. I don’t know about you, but I think I’m playing golf wrong.

The researchers, led by Idaho State University, wanted to build on recent studies that suggested instead of a traditional psychopathologic explanation, BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism) could be understood as a potential leisure activity.

Since this framing of attitudes had not been scientifically or empirically explored yet, the researchers decided this was just what they would set out to do.

“Historically, BDSM has long been understood from a psychopathological perspective,” lead author Dr DJ Williams wrote in a previous study published in the Journal of Positive Sexuality. But as this research showed that many people don’t consider BDSM as a sexual interaction, rather as a means of forming intimate relationships, among other things, this was considered a limited approach.

“In considering the many academic and nonacademic accounts of BDSM, our focus is to suggest that a broad leisure perspective currently offers the best theoretical approach to begin making sense of BDSM,” he wrote.

In the new study, published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, Dr Williams and colleagues surveyed 935 BDSM participants who answered questions about BDSM experiences according to the attributes considered important for leisure activities.

The researchers suggest the results show that BDSM could easily be reclassified as a leisure activity due to the similarities between both like developing personal skills, creating a sense of adventure, and reducing stress.

If it isn't similar to leisure pursuits, why does it include words such as “play” and “games”, they posited.

Of the participants, whose ages ranged from 18 to 78, 90 percent said that BDSM gave them a sense of personal freedom, 99 percent said it gave them pleasure and enjoyment, 90 percent said they used personal skills, 90 percent said it was associated with self-expression, 91 percent said it reduced stress, and 97 percent said it involved positive emotions.

“Our findings show, overwhelmingly, that BDSM fits properties of common leisure experience, similar to people who enjoy golf, swimming and attending cultural events,” Dr Williams said.

The researchers suggested that reclassification was important because if BDSM was understood and recognized as a “legitimate leisure experience with important personal benefits, similar to engaging in skiing, hiking, photography, or painting,” it could remove the stigma associated with so-called sexual deviance.

While we're not entirely sold on the idea of BDSM as a leisure activity akin to, say, your local darts team, we'll always be pro the removal of unnecessary stigmatization. This study at least opens up a conversation, and we'd rather not have to credit Fifty Shades of Gray for that. 

http://www.iflscience.com/editors-blog/sociologists-reclassify-bdsm-as-leisure-activity-in-bid-to-remove-stigma/

There's a Big Benefit to BDSM That Nobody's Talking About

Whips, rope and handcuffs aren't exactly what come to mind when most of us think of a stress-free day. But research indicates that BDSM practice, typically thought to be all about pain, dominance and physical stress, has health advantages beyond sexual satisfaction — including reducing stress.

As The Science of Us recently reported, a 2013 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine suggests that BDSM practitioners may have less anxiety and enjoy more security in their relationships than their vanilla counterparts. Researchers surveyed 902 BDSM practitioners and 434 non-participants, and found that those who enjoyed BDSM-related activities had shared certain psychological characteristics, like being "less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious and less rejection-sensitive" than the control (or vanilla) group. In short, BDSM practitioners' sex lives made them a whole lot less stressed.

What's so relaxing? There's evidence that BDSM practices might affect a person's mental state before and after their scenes. A commonly reported "relaxing" experience for submissive practitioners is that of "subspace," an altered state of consciousness accompanied by feelings of peacefulness and time distortion, comparable to a runner's high. Similarly, dominants reported a "topspace," an endorphin-filled exhilaration accompanied by heightened feelings of control and accomplishment.

A study conducted last year by Northern Illinois University recruited 14 "switches," or regular BDSM practitioners who enjoy both submissive and dominant roles. After participating in a BDSM scene, the subjects were tested for mental acuity and memory function. The results? Subs experienced a significant reduction in their cognitive scores, suggesting a mental dimming or "altered state" that accompanies BDSM play, particularly when blood rushes away from certain areas of the brain.

"Topspace for me is the ultimate stress-buster — I experience it as a strange combination of total tranquility, incredible focus, and a brain rush of power because it's that one place in the real world where I am completely in control," Gloria Brame, a sex therapist specializing in BDSM and author of Sex for Grown-Ups, told Mic.

That foggy, relaxing feeling is likely due to hormonal changes. A 2008 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior took saliva samples from participants engaging in BDSM play to measure their stress levels before, during and after play. Both subs and doms had lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol after scenes than before. The most surprising finding was that even during a particularly physically stressful BDSM scene, subs still reported low psychological stress.

"All of these effects — reductions in stress, increases in intimacy and the facilitation of pleasurable altered states of consciousness — point to the positive impact that BDSM activities can have on relationships," wrote Brad Sagarin, lead researcher of the study, in the Guardian Monday. "What makes this arrangement work is sexual gift-giving, the willingness of each person to provide for their partner the acts that turn their partner on."

More and more people are feeling the benefit. Importantly, if you're not already kink-inclined in the bedroom, chances are BDSM scenes won't have that same relaxing effect on you (so don't skip the yoga mat and head for the ropes just yet). BDSM activities themselves aren't the source of calm and stress relief; rather it's the personalities of individuals who are drawn to BDSM communities. As Brame explained to Mic, BDSM practitioners are "wired this way."

But more people are wired that way than we think. With the upcoming release of the 50 Shades of Grey film and the imminent arrival of Valentine's Day (definitely not a coincidence), the mainstream cultural conversation surrounding kinky sex has reached an all-time high. For good reason: Past studies have shown that more than half of all men and women (64.6% female and 53.3% male) has fantasized about being dominated sexually.

Additionally, researchers at the Kinsey Institute have estimated that 5% to 10% of the U.S. population has engaged in some form of sadomasochism for sexual pleasure on at least one occasion. What was once categorized as a "psychopathological" behavior in the science world and seen as taboo by society at large is actually a commonplace sexual activity that has many healthy and happy participants.

It's all about creating a safe space. It's no wonder that some practitioners report feeling relaxed both after scenes and within their romantic relationships — it's a community that has lived by the three main tenets of being "safe, sane and consensual" for years. The foundations of the BDSM community, such as safewords, aftercare and constant communication, lend themselves to secure, mutually satisfying experiences that often bring couples closer together.

"Because doing BDSM means communicating with your partner, usually at an intense level because you are negotiating guidelines and discussing fantasies in depth, it gives you a greater sense of trust in your partner, and that leads to a greater sense of intimacy with them, and that, ultimately, is very psychologically balancing," Brame told Mic.

To truly comprehend these extra psychological benefits is to understand that BDSM is something positive for those who practice it. It's not merely a sexual act; according to fetish sex expert and therapist Galen Fous, for some percentage of the population, BDSM practice "is a lifelong, inherent, innate sexual identity, on the same level that straight, bi, gay or lesbian is an authentic sexual identity," he told Mic. In other words, it's a behavior and identity that brings meaning and fulfillment for those who practice it.

What's healthier than that?

https://mic.com/articles/110294/there-s-a-positive-benefit-to-bdsm-everyone-s-been-overlooking#.xYdKJ8OKN

7 Sex Tips From Professional Dominatrixes

Bedroom advice from the pros.

By Brittany Wong

Want to dominate between the sheets?We’re here to help. Below, we asked professional dominatrixes to share their best, most accessible advice for long-time couples who want to step up
their game in the bedroom. No whips required!


“When I begin work with couples, my first suggestion is that they plan a date where the only outcome is creating a shared sex wish list. To make it easy, try creating three columns: Green, yellow and red zones. Green would be anything you’re dying to try, yellow is for things you’re on the fence about and want to discuss further and red (which is a great safe word, by the way) is always ‘hell, no!’

Once a couple can see what their beginning menu options are, they can begin a thoughtful dialogue toward consent and experimenting. And don’t be surprised if one day your red items become green!” ― Hudsy Hawn, a professional dominatrix, BDSM educator and couples coach in Los Angeles

“Try having some intimate time together without ending it in an orgasm. Flirt, make out, dirty talk ― maybe you stimulate each others’ genitals a little, maybe you completely avoid it. Play with sexual arousal, get super horny together, but no orgasming! Talk about what you liked and didn’t like afterwards with your partner ― you may learn something new about yourselves.

So much of our sexual lives is determined by a drive towards orgasm. A lot of BDSM is what happens when you stop making orgasms the sole or primary purpose of being sexual. It’s about experimenting and pushing the boundaries of your mental turn-ons and physical responses. When you intentionally remove orgasm as the target, it forces you to open up your idea of what sexual interaction is all about and start exploring that newfound space.” ― Mistress Iris, professional dominatrix in Los Angeles

“Communication is one of the most important things to me. It promotes trust and safety, which is key in any relationship. I find it very sexy to be able to talk about my desires, needs, and boundaries, and even hotter to know these things about my partners. In the bedroom with your partner, break the ice with some predetermined questions or even a sex game of some kind.” ― Mistress Velvet, a professional dominatrix in Chicago

“When you can consciously and consensually participate in your fantasies, it can bring you closer in connectivity. It’s important to not shame your partner for their fantasy, even if it isn’t something you want to participate in. And sometimes, it’s enough to just talk about them and never actualize them. If you decide to go forth and actualize a fantasy, be really clear with your partner about what turns you on about it, how you would like it to unfold and what you might need after. If it doesn’t work out exactly the way you wanted or expected it to, talk through it as a couple. But typically, exploring your fantasies with your partner just leads to wildly hot encounters that bring you even closer. For beginners, I always recommend this concise kink worksheet to get the conversation started.” ― Mistress Justine Cross, a professional dominatrix, dungeon owner and BDSM consultant based in Los Angeles

“Maybe you and your partner find the idea of being ‘dominant’ or ‘submissive’ sexy and want to start experimenting together. Maybe you have a picture in your head of what that role is supposed to be or you’ve begun with a bit of digging around online. It’s good to do some research and read up on what others do for both safety reasons and starter ideas, but this can also be a bit of a trap. Try not to get too attached to the definitions you read. In the same way that not all sex should resemble porn, neither should all BDSM resemble kink porn. At the end of the day, you are not performing for the world; it’s just about what makes you and your partner feel good and excited. Maybe you like being mischievously in control but don’t feel completely comfortable playing the stern or aggressive dominant role. Maybe you’re a submissive who likes to get aggressive back. Maybe you want to be a switch (someone who likes to top and bottom). Be introspective about what turns you on and don’t get to too hung up about what you think you’re supposed to do in order to fit the role.” ― Mistress Iris

“Use sex toys to add a little kink to your next dinner date or visit to your favorite bar. A remote-controlled vibrator inserted in or placed on his or her nether regions can be a great way to command the attention of your partner from across the room or table. Watch with glee as your partner attempts to order your martinis while being greeted with those vibrations controlled by you. It’s both awkward and challenging, but oh so much fun for you to watch!” ― Mistress Georgia Payne, a professional dominatrix in Los Angeles and the co-author of How to Be a Dominant Diva

“Find the courage to hold and maintain eye contact. Nothing exposes you more than locking eyes and seeing what comes up. You’ll be surprised how much more intimate your connection will become just be allowing yourselves to be vulnerable. Controlling your partner by holding a fistful of hair is much more effective when staring deeply into their eyes and doing it slowly, properly and carefully. The more deliberate and attentive you are toward one another, the better your shared experience will be. Take some time to explore your bodies through touch and eye contact. Sometimes the best sex is when there’s no genital sex at all. Screw them with your eyes and your mind!” ― Hudsy Hawn
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/dominatrix-sex-tips_us_5a9448f3e4b02cb368c4686a

Gli oscuri crimini del cinema sadomaso

Lo scorso weekend ho visto Dark crimes, un mediocre film poliziesco ispirato a una vera indagine di gran lunga più intrigante. La vicenda è ambientata in una tristissima Cracovia, dove un poliziotto altrettanto triste si convince di avere trovato il colpevole di un vecchio caso di omicidio e fa di tutto per indurlo a confessare. La parte interessante sta nel fatto che il criminale è losco, amorale, odiosissimo ma anche un brillante intellettuale – e ha descritto spavaldamente l’omicidio in un suo libro. E, come si intuisce dal trailer, c’è di mezzo un giro di sadomasochisti estremi.

DARK CRIMES | Trailer Italiano del drama thriller con Jim Carrey

L’elemento più avvincente della pellicola è Jim Carrey, che come tutti i comici è un eccezionale attore drammatico. Il resto è dimenticabile, a partire dalla sceneggiatura sconclusionata e dal tentativo di rendere a tutti i costi il film “intelligente”. Dialoghi e personaggi vorrebbero essere brechtiani ma risultano solo rigidi; gli spunti filosofici sembrano copiati dal diario di un darkettone quattordicenne; la regia è leeeeenta. E poi c’è la trasgressione, telefonata dalla presenza spesso nuda di Charlotte Gainsburg (figlia di Serge, noto erotomane con cui da ragazzina ha duettato in una canzoncina dai doppi sensi incestuosi) e dal suddetto club sadomaso. Di cui sarà il caso di parlare.

Il locale si intravede per pochi secondi. Si tratta di un decrepito edificio industriale nel quale l’accusato ci fa sapere che «uomini importanti stuprano e maltrattano prostitute drogate interessate solo ai soldi». Uno dei passatempi, si intuisce, è per esempio sparare col fucile a pallettoni mirando a pochi centimetri dalla testa di una ragazza bendata e tremante. Mah.
Quel che è certo è che il club rappresenta il lato più schifoso della razza umana: un metaforone da prima liceo, pericolosamente alla deriva verso i territori di A serbian film. Fortuna che, dopo avere svolto la sua funzione di urlare allo spettatore «hai visto come siamo crudi e perversi? Eh? Eh?» non lo si vede più.

Visto che il BDSM io però lo pratico davvero, questa storia dei depravati cattivi non riesco a mandarla giù tanto facilmente. Perché hai voglia a spiegare che le sessualità alternative non assomiglino affatto a quello squallore; hai voglia a fornire dati scientifici che dimostrano come l’eros estremo sia tutt’altro che dannoso; hai voglia a ripetere che la cultura kinky disinnesca le derive patologiche degli istinti di dominazione e sottomissione; hai voglia a organizzare party dove le buone maniere regnano sovrane. Alla fine l’equivoco rimane lo stesso: un po’ per ignoranza, un po’ per colpa di prodotti mediatici tagliati con l’accetta, troppe persone credono ancora che solo pazzi e delinquenti possano avere la passione per certi giochi (che non c’entrano niente con le fucilate e gli stupri, in caso servisse ripeterlo). E, lasciatemi dire, sentirsi equiparare ai criminali non fa piacere a nessuno.

Tale qui pro quo viene perpetrato senza ritegno in ogni formato. Dal giornalista pigro che confonde una violenza carnale con un gioco erotico al romanzo di successo in cui per fare BDSM devi per forza avere subito traumi infantili, questa visione confusionaria della sessualità ci circonda da ogni parte, alimentando le incomprensioni. Il cinema è sfortunatamente uno dei colpevoli più influenti.
Spesso non si tratta di malafede, ma di necessità stilistica. Il principio è lo stesso per cui un regista che debba tratteggiare in poche inquadrature un pericoloso fondamentalista religioso probabilmente metterà in scena un musulmano con la kefiah; se serve un hacker mostrerà un ciccione sfigatissimo; un maestro spirituale sarà facilmente un anziano orientale. Sono stereotipi, è vero, ma anche semplificazioni utili ai fini narrativi. È anche per questo che il cinema ha da sempre grossi problemi nel rappresentare le minoranze, al punto che gli sceneggiatori indicano certi personaggi con nomi standard: il Negro Magico, l’Elegante Mafioso Italiano, il Gay in Conflitto, la Gattara, il Genio Autistico e così via. Purtroppo liberarsene non è facile: per vedere blockbuster con donne che passino il test di Bechdel ci sono per esempio voluti 120 anni, e come reazione ancora oggi i film con protagoniste femminili realizzate vengono boicottati attivamente da parte del pubblico.

Tornando a noi, quando non viene usata come spunto comico (il celebre «famolo strano» di Carlo Verdone), la sessualità alternativa al cinema diventa per lo più metafora di conflitti interiori e fra i personaggi. In effetti, su grande schermo il BDSM non esiste proprio, e i giochi erotici di dominazione sono sempre rappresentati come sadomasochismo inteso in senso clinico. Per rendercene conto ho compilato un elenco abbastanza completo di film a tema, decisamente sconsigliati per avvicinarsi al vero eros estremo, ma interessanti per capire da dove siano nati alcuni preconcetti duri a morire. Altrimenti c’è sempre Internet, dove si possono trovare centinaia di video che mostrano ogni sorta di pratica, sia simulata che reale. Non è da escludere che alcuni possano essere ben realizzati, ma guardandoli è bene ricordare sempre che – proprio come con il sesso tradizionale – la realtà è spesso molto diversa da quel che si vede in un film porno.

Titolo	Anno	Regista	Trama
Amorestremo	2001	Maria Martinelli	L’indagine sulla morte di un aspirante schiavo conduce alla scoperta del sottobosco del sesso estremo. Peccato che sia tutto privo di fondamento. Vincitore del premio di peggior film dell’anno 2001
Bella di giorno	1967	Luis Bunuel	Una moglie borghese e algida conduce una doppia vita come prostituta specializzata in perversioni per trovare il suo equilibrio. Un grande classico
Boxing Helena	1993	Jennifer Lynch	Per fare innamorare di sé la sua donna ideale, un chirurgo non trova di meglio che amputarle gli arti per renderla dipendente da lui. Un trip onirico sull’oggettificazione del partner
Cagna, la	1972	Marco Ferreri	Lei trova un’isola con un uomo e un cane, che uccide per gelosia. Poi accetta con gioia di ridursi a cagna per lui. Il romanticismo dell’appartenenza assoluta
Cinquanta sfumature di grigio	2015	Sam Taylor-Johnson	L’adattamento del romanzo proprio come il libro ha ben poco a che fare col BDSM ma ne ha influenzato la percezione fra il grande pubblico
Cruising	1980	William Friedkin	Un poliziotto in borghese si infiltra negli ambienti BDSM gay di New York per stanare un serial killer, e scopre un mondo pericolosamente attraente
Duke of Burgundy, The	2014	Peter Strickland	Due donne si amano in un onirico villaggio di entomologhe sadomasochiste. Riflessione su chi detenga davvero il potere in un rapporto BDSM
East Palace, West Palace	1997	Yuan Zhang	Un brutale poliziotto arresta un gay sottomesso e scoppia una passione impossibile
Flower and snake	1974	Masaru Konuma	Bella trasposizione cinematografica dell’equivalente giapponese di Histoire d’O, imperdibile per gli amanti dello shibari
Gradiva	2009	Alain Robbe-Grillet	Un intellettuale in visita in un Marocco onirico si perde in un delirio sadomasochista alla scoperta di istinti primordiali
Graphic sexual horror	2009	Barbara Bell & Anna Lorentzon	Illuminante documentario sul “dietro le quinte” del sito di BDSM estremo Insex
Gwendoline	1984	Just Jaeckin	Una sorta di Indiana Jones in versione fetish, tratta dal celebre fumetto di John Willie. L’apoteosi del B-movie BDSM
Histoire d’O	1975	Just Jaeckin	La bella O si innamora del sadico e indecifrabile Stephen, che la conduce in un centro di addestramento per schiave. Uno dei primi film erotici di cassetta, tratto da un best seller e rigorosamente softcore
Impero dei sensi, l’	1976	Nagisa Oshima	La passione del Signore e della concubina precipita in un vortice di gelosia e possesso che fa perdere ogni limite alla loro relazione sadomasochista
Lacrime amare di Petra von Kant, le	1972	Rainer Werner Fassbinder	Petra domina senza pietà la cameriera e la sua amante, ma quando quest’ultima la lascia per un uomo basta un solo gesto gentile per farla abbandonare pure dalla serva
Maitresse	1977	Barbet Schroeder	Un ladro irrompe nello studio di una prodomme facendo sbocciare una strana storia d’amore. Commedia così così, ma la Padrona è quantomai realistica
Matriarca, la	1969	Pasquale Festa Campanile	Una giovane vedova scopre le perversioni del marito e decide di vivere ogni possibile esperienza erotica per vendicarsene. Oggi è un documento interessante su cosa fosse «scandaloso» all’epoca
Nove settimane e mezza	1986	Adrian Lyne	Una storia di sesso fra newyorkesi si trasforma in un’educazione alla sensualità dal finale agrodolce
Pianista, la	2001	Michael Haneke	Soffocata dalla madre, una pianista sfoga le sue frustrazioni in una spirale di depravazioni e masochismo da cui trae l’ispirazione artistica
Portiere di notte, il	1974	Liliana Cavani	Una reduce dal lager ritrova il suo crudele aguzzino e amante, ormai reintegrato nella società. La passione ritorna, i ruoli si invertono, e comincia una danza letale
Prigioniera, la	1968	Henry-Georges Clouzot	Turbata dalla foto di una donna legata, la protagonista scopre il gusto sottile della sottomissione nel rapporto cerebrale con un maturo cultore dell’argomento
Romance	1999	Catherine Breillat	Una donna cerca di esplorare la propria sessualità e scopre la purezza nella degradazione. Intellettuale e femminile
Salò o le 120 giornate di Sodoma	1975	Pier Paolo Pasolini	La filosofia di de Sade ri-ambientata fra i nazifascisti. Realizzazione discutibile per un messaggio sempre attuale
Scandalosa vita di Bettie Page, la	2005	Mary Harron	Una biografia parziale ma abbastanza accurata della celebre pin-up fetish anni ’50
Secretary	2002	Steven Shainberg	Il principale è un sadico, la segretaria una masochista. Accettare serenamente le proprie tendenze porterà entrambi a superare gravi problemi, fino a un insolito happy end
Servo, il	1963	Joseph Losey	Dominazione psicologica e degradazione diventano il meccanismo di una sottile vendetta nella lotta di classe fra ricco borghese e “umile” maggiordomo
Tokyo Decadence	1991	Ryu Murakami	Una solitaria ragazza sfrutta il suo masochismo come fonte di reddito in attesa dell’amore, scoprendo la degenerazione della civiltà giapponese
Venere in pelliccia	2013	Roman Polański	L’audizione per una piéce tratta da Masoch si tramuta in un sensuale processo al patriarcato giocato sulle dinamiche della dominazione
Writer of O	2004	Pola Rapaport	La verità nascosta per decenni sul best seller erotico Storia di O, raccontata dall’autrice ormai novantenne fra ricostruzioni della Francia anni ’50.

https://www.ayzad.com/it/notizie/cultura/gli-oscuri-crimini-del-cinema-sadomaso/