Men, Consent, and the BDSM Lie

I just saw that Jian Ghomeshi had an essay published in the New York Review of Books. For those of you not familiar with him, he’s a famous Canadian radio personality. He’s also a famous Canadian sexual predator. Three different women accused him of sexual assault. His defense to the charges was that they had been engaging in consensual “kinky” relationships and had filed charges when the relationships went bad. Not the first time I’ve heard this defense. (Think Eric Schneiderman) These men are supposedly being persecuted by jilted lovers for consensual violent behavior. Hmmm…I see. Let me explain why this is utter bullshit. (This is the point where family or friends who may not want TMI should stop reading.)

One of the very first things you learn in the BDSM community is consent. It’s so vitally important that you get enthusiastic consent for anything you do to someone. A very big part of that is talking before anything ever happens. What are each other’s likes or dislikes? What are soft limits that can be explored? What are hard limits? Every aspect of the relationship or scene if it’s a one-time thing are carefully explored to be sure everyone’s on board and understands what’s going on. We also know that even if it’s all discussed beforehand if anyone’s uncomfortable…everything stops. Just about everyone’s heard of safe words. The idea of having a safe word originated from the BDSM community. Safe, sane, and consensual. Let me tell you, most of the people in the “kinky” community are very careful.

Not to say it’s all perfect. Just about anyone who’s been involved in BDSM has a story of a scene gone wrong. We all have one. My only sexual assault as an adult occurred due to my partner and I not talking nearly as much about things beforehand as we should have. Miscommunication can be a dangerous thing when power dynamics and possible violence is in the mix. I know lots of people, mostly women, who can tell similar stories. While what happened to me legally met the definition of a sexual assault, I didn’t file charges. Why not? Because it was one event in a relationship that was completely consensual even if the situation may not have been. We talked about it later, analyzed how we got there and it actually made our communication better.

This is why I know Ghomeshi wasn’t in a “consensual” BDSM relationship. It sounds much more like he’s a typical abuser who views himself as just being “kinky”. I can’t guess as to whether he believed the women involved might be open to it or not. Regardless, thinking someone might like something and consent are vastly different things. That’s not kinky, that’s assault. Unfortunately, the community is a draw for predatory men who believe all women want a dominant man. I’ve met quite a few who really think that deep down all women “Like it rough”. There certainly are women who do, but being a safe BSDM partner takes sensitivity and open communication. People generally don’t have their partners arrested unless something very bad has happened.

Ghomeshi claiming a consensual relationship puts the onus of proof back onto the victims. It casts immediate doubt on their stories, at least among the vanilla population. Without an understanding of consent and how it works in the community, you can almost believe him. Hence, this post. Consent is situational. Spanking is not choking. Bondage is not beating. But mostly, consent is fluid, it flows both ways. Just because Ghomeshi says he had consent it’s not true unless his partner agrees. He’s just another predatory abuser using the BDSM community as a convenient cover for his sexual assaults. All of us in the community, past or present, need to call this out and let people know the truth. He may claim it, but Jian Ghomeshi is not one of us.

https://thecrankybuddhist.com/2018/09/14/men-consent-and-the-bdsm-lie/